Remember?

Always remember….. you are SO loved.

On my last blog entry, I posted an inspirational poem called “Invictus”, by William Ernest Henley. Although I have always been positively impacted by this poem, I’ve never known about the man who wrote it or his inspiration.

In my mind, and as my previous post picture suggests, I have imagined a story about a Captain with his vessel – rocking back and forth upon an angry sea. In this terrible tempest, dark and ominous skies imply a foreboding fate.
Lightening flashes briefly illuminate the scene while monstrous waves crash against this tiny ship and the great sea waits to swallow it up.

But through hell and against all odds, this courageous Captain victoriously navigates a way through great peril – back to the safety of dry land. And there, with pen in hand, bravely records his experience.

But no, this is not how it happened…

Being curious to see how the story really went, I made a few Internet searches and found out that as a young teen, William contracted tuberculosis of the bone. This resulted in the amputation of one of his legs below the knee. Plans were being made to amputate the other. Luckily, this didn’t happen, a Doctor found a way to save it.
Then, while convalescing from this experience, this young man expressed the conviction of his soul through a poem entitled “Invictus.”

In the end, although these stories take place in two different settings, the character in them is one and the same. Under oppressive circumstances, each one is unwavering in their conviction. Each one demonstrates the courage of a lion. Each one has the strength of steel, and each one has the perseverance of a glacier.

Whatever storm in life you may weather, don the armor of courage, strength, faith and perseverance. For in the face of adversity, it is these qualities that make up an unconquerable soul.

Incidentally, as a side note, the author of Treasure Island, Robert Louis Stevenson, made the confession to his real-life friend Henley, that the character of Long John Silver was completely inspired by him.

Invictus

Invictus
by William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole.
I thank whatever gods may be,
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance,
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeoning of chance,
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears,
Looms but the horror of the shade.
And yet the menace of the years,
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the Master of my fate,
I am the Captain of my soul.

A marriage ends after thirty years. The kids are all grown, but still….

A breadwinner in a small town loses his job and with it, the means to support his family. He feels like a failure. He looks at the trusting faces of his wife and children and feels helpless. He doesn’t want to let them down.

Upon examination, the doctor tells her, “There’s a serious problem. Get your life in order…. You have no more than six months to live.” Shock and disbelief set in. The clock starts ticking…

Another pet dies in the world. No one can understand his sadness and pain. After all, it was just a pet. But to him, it was family.

She reads the obituary column daily. Another long time friend has moved on. Frequenting funerals is now part of her life’s routine. Her emotions are mixed. She knows all too well… her time is coming too.

He didn’t make the team. He is reminded by his imperfections that it was close, but he was not quite good enough.

The phone rings. A voice on the other end informs her that their child has been involved in an accident and has been taken to the hospital. Dread sets in as they contemplate what they will learn in the hours to come.

He didn’t even call to tell her it was over. He found someone else. She heard about it through one of his friends. She felt betrayed and devastated. Couldn’t he even call? She questions her worth.

A special ring is lost. It was the one her father gave her. She cried as she looked for it everywhere, but it was gone; a reminder that he was gone too.

She hangs her head and cries. It wasn’t her fault, but still what was taken from her was most precious. She thinks she will never be the same. This crime and violation has left its effect and mark on her.

Another divorce granted. His four-year-old heart breaks as he stares out the window, waiting for his father’s car to pull up. He doesn’t understand why his father doesn’t live there anymore.

She spends her time looking at the wall… or the backs of her eyelids. Both seem equally the same to her. The mental pain is such that she can’t face her world. She wonders where her old self went. No matter how hard she tries, she can’t seem to find herself.

As illustrated by the examples above, loss comes in many shapes and sizes. This list is by no means exhaustive.

No matter which category your loss is in, healthy grieving is all about fully experiencing your losses. Healthy healing is all about fully reconciling and transforming your losses into the gifts they will eventually become.

What does it mean to reconcile a loss?
It means to make peace with it. This often takes time. You may have to experience a fair amount of grief before you naturally arrive at this point.

Gifts? What kind of gifts could come from this?
At first, in the rawness of a new loss, it’s difficult to comprehend how anything “good” could come from such “bad.” But in taking the long view, you will see that it can, and often does – it might just take a while.

The Losses and Gains of Life
By virtue of belonging to this world, we perceive our reality through the lens of dichotomy. Therefore, we experience our lives as being made up of a combination of losses and gains. Hence, the old saying, “Sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose…”

Each loss or gain is experienced to varying degrees. While we may prefer the gains to the losses, many times, we don’t have a choice.

The truth is….

Loss is a natural part of life. There is nothing anyone can do to change it. Change is inevitable and with it, comes “bad” and painful experiences.

But also true is this;

Gain is a natural part of life. There is nothing anyone can do to change it. Change is inevitable and with it, comes “good” and joyous experiences!

Taking the Journey
The journey of reconciliation and transformation requires a process of moving from “something lost” to “something gained.” This is not to rule out something gained by finding it again. For example, the girl could find her ring, the father might return home and the child in the accident may recover fully.

Whether on a physical, mental, emotional or spiritual level, losses are hidden opportunities and possibilities for growth. They have the power and ability to transform you into a greater being.

When grief strikes, there are three levels to which people allow themselves to be healed.

1. Not at all. They remain stuck in their grief and pain – never able to move beyond their loss.
2. They heal just enough to get back to normal.
3. They victoriously transcend the person they were before the loss, allowing possibility to light their way.

In effect, this alchemy of transformation is the process of changing lead into gold by converting the “bad” into “good”, the “lost” into “found” and the “darkness” into “light”, for in the end, all loss serves the soul’s growth. And… nothing is ever really lost anyway.

As the Alchemist of your own transformation process, your job is to squeeze every last drop out of your loss…. to magically transform into your greatest gift.

The game of life is made up of gains and losses, and infinite possibilities….

Play for the greatest growth of your infinitely greatest self!

I’m so sorry for your loss. These flowers are for YOU!

                                 (For my Beloved Christian, who left this realm, March 31, 2010)

Death’s Painful Sting by Jade  

How cold and cruel is death’s painful sting,

As tears falls from swollen eyes.

Then tales of separation,

Begin to speak their lies.

They tell you that you’ve lost,

The one you love so much.

Forever to be gone,

Coldly taken by death’s touch.

The bitter pangs of a heart that’s torn,

Ripped out by death’s greedy hands.

Then doubts and fears of terror,

Begin to make demands.

They tell you that you’re guilty,

That somehow you’re to blame.

And you begin to question,

in the fire of hellish flames.

On the street, I thought I saw you,

How I’ve longed to see your smile,

But the tricks played on a forlorn mind,

Are just ghosts of death’s denial.

How dark and bleak is the life that’s left,

Ravaged by a broken heart,

I walk among the living dead,

… a victim of death’s dart.

The lonely depth of this empty nest,

Proves more than one can bear.

Death’s sterile way to pluck a life,

Lacks empathy and care.

Obsessed with thoughts of life or death,

My mind says it’s the end.

I wait above the precipice,

In two worlds, do I stand.

Immersed in contemplations depths,

Through emotions, do I wade.

Neither am I dead nor living now,

Decisions must be made.

How fervently, I’ve begged my God,

my life on Earth be done.

The answer comes back kindly,

“Your time has not yet come….

… Within this bitter cup you drink,

in the poison you ingest,

is the promise of a miracle

from which transcendence manifests.”

How raging hot is the fire that burns,

Purifying flames consume.

Devouring a time that’s passed,

Leaving ashes as its tomb.

But there, upon this barren waste,

Where death has done its deed,

Beneath this fertile soil,

Lays the promise of new seed.

Left on the path, in devastations wake,

And upon this hallowed ground.

This death transforms to beauty,

Where new life will soon be found.

I stop in awe and wonder,

At all I once believed,

That death could be so ugly,

Oh how, I was deceived!

How merciful is death’s great disguise,

So cleverly LOVE hides.

To show us who we really are,

through life’s ever-changing tides.

Despite my loss and sorrow…

far beneath my deepest pain,

I’m remembering who I really am,

This death was not in vain.

So grateful, this sweet sacrifice,

My loved made for me.

That I could find these precious truths,

Through such pain and misery.

So this is death’s great lesson…

to keep an open heart.

To BE great love and kindness,

Through the bitter and the tart.

2010 © jade

When you hear the news, you simply refuse to believe what their mouth is saying and what your ears are hearing. Perhaps all sounds will cease and you will be left with only the motion of their mouth moving, as shock and denial set in.

Emotions swell quickly. You know…. the ones you would rather not feel. The ones you’ve worked so hard all your life to avoid. No one likes these ones, but nevertheless, it doesn’t stop them from coming forth with unabashed fury and intensity. Oh, this is intense! Breathe.

Confusion sets in. You are completely disoriented. You try to understand, but can’t. You can’t think straight!

You didn’t see this one coming. “How did I not see this coming?”, you keep asking yourself…over and over again.

You wait. You pray. You promise. Whatever it takes to make this not be so. You want someone to wake you up from this bad dream! But the nightmare continues as bits of reality begin to pierce your veil of disbelief.

Your whole world has been placed on hold now. Time stands still. Nothing makes sense anymore.

You remember the last words spoken. What you did or didn’t do. You can’t believe this has happened. It wasn’t supposed to happen!!!!

You ask repeatedly,

“Why did it happen?”

“Why did it have to happen?”

Although these two questions are only separated by a slight distinction, they ask completely different questions. You expect an answer to both of them immediately!

You imagine knowing the answer might help. The reality is that it probably won’t.  Once you mull it over and over, you will again remember, that your loved one is not coming back to life, as you once knew them.  Breathe. 

You are in pain. You are suffering. You are broken-hearted! I know.

If you watched them draw their last breath – all the worse.

You have mixed emotions. They range from sadness to anger and everywhere in between.

In the process, you meet your strongest self. You meet your weakest self. Welcome to the extreme world of your dual nature!

Temporary escapes from behind the bars of denial allow you to wake up from a dead sleep in the middle of the night; just long enough to hear that what woke you was your own shrieking cry.

No, you are not waking from the nightmare. The nightmare has just begun.

You call out in pain, begging for relief. God, are you there? Everything you believe is about to be tested.

You try to sleep. You can’t. Then, you do from sheer exhaustion.

You try to eat. You can’t. Then, you have to for the strength to grieve some more.

You have lost your appetite for everything… life included!

You wonder how you will ever go on without them.

You think back to a happier time. It breaks your heart because you realize they are not there. You are in the past now. Bad neighborhood. You must go forward. Always forward. It will get easier. I promise.

You wonder how much time was wasted while they were still alive.

You may feel some guilt when wondering if you did all you could have done.

You may need some one or thing to blame. Damn it! This pain needs a scapegoat!

Life has ceased for your loved one. Now it has ceased for you too. Welcome to the living dead!

You scream. You cry. You kick your feet, but it doesn’t matter. Life doesn’t care that you had plans together, that this is very inconvenient and it shouldn’t be this way! You get to deal with this now.

Sometimes you wail in pain. Then…if you are lucky, you go into a catatonic stupor for a while. You eventually emerge again. You become quiet and go far away, fading deep into thought. But try not to think too much – wandering off into a past that no longer exists. I already told you – bad neighborhood! Don’t go there!!!

You will not find your loved one there. No one exists anywhere except the present. This will be vital for you to learn. I mean it!

You will try to have a positive attitude. You will try to be strong, maybe even stoic. You may think you are so spiritually evolved that you are past all this “life stuff” by now….or even worse…. that you should be. This may add to your guilt when you find yourself but – a mere human.

Important: If you are not conscious for and during this, you will try to repress and bypass this whole process. But do yourself a favor … DON’T.  Going through this will serve you greatly!!!  Stay conscious.

With eyes, mind and heart wide open, courageously face your pain. It will get easier.           I promise!

You will not understand what happened or why. You just can’t. It’s too soon for perspective now. This won’t stop you from ruminating though. Do what you have to do.

Many times you feel alone and isolated.

It’s hard for you to ask for help. You don’t know exactly what you want and need now that your loved one is gone. YOU WANT AND NEED YOUR LOVED ONE!!!  But sadly, this is no longer possible. The pain deepens as the reality of this further crashes in.

Well-meaning people will do and say insensitive and dumb things. Sometimes they don’t even call to see how you are. (Freakin’ people!)  But not that you think they could completely understand anyway. Give them a pass. No one, no matter how empathetic they are, can really “get” this experience unless they have been through it themselves.

There will be those brave souls that will call, visit, send you a message or give you a book at just the perfect moment. You will wonder if you had just been visited by an Angel. You have!! These Earth Angels will play a vital role in your healing process. Thank you Earth Angels!!!!

Expect many days of swollen eyes. Not to worry. After a while, it is surprising that eventually, they swell no more. A mental and emotional purging has taken place. No longer is it so obvious to others that you are still balling your eyes out on a continual basis. Remember… there are only so many tears.

You calculate your loss. You wonder how you will ever fill this void. Intuitively, you know you can’t… but thoughts try to creep in to say you can and you should. But…. there is no void. Your loved one has not gone…  only the body has. Can love really ever die? Do they stop loving you? Do you stop loving them? No, of course not. Love survives beyond the grave.

Take a deep breath now and believe me when I say. “There is no void.”

Even so, you will try to make this better. It is human nature to do so.

Be kind to yourself. Allow it to be as it is. This too shall pass. I promise!

Some days you feel better and think you are getting over it. Unexpectedly, the next day might be just as bad as it was at the beginning. Be brave. Feel what there is to feel without trying to fix it. Everything’s going to be alright.

If you are extremely sensitive, you will become aware of new and yet, unnamed emotions. It’s kind of cool.

You may experience other feelings such as sudden rage, resignation, boredom, desperation, surrender and despair. (A journal to record dreams, experiences, thoughts and feelings is very productive and therapeutic.)                                                               And speaking of feelings … let’s not forget about the occasional inappropriate laughter that sometimes bubbles up to the surface…. usually at the worst time and place possible… like…. exactly in the middle of a viewing or funeral! It is important to know that some people laugh because they can’t cry. This could be you.

For some, the grief process will be mild, for others it will be traumatic. You will deal with this experience the only way you can.

You still feel raw. You are sensitive to everything.

Now, you have an important choice to make.

Because of what happened, you may take the path of fear, or you may take the path of love.

The choice is completely yours.

If you take the path of fear, you never heal correctly or completely, if at all. You will live in a world of fear and scarcity. You will clutch tightly to blame and resentment. You will hold yourself and others hostage in the prison of the unforgiven. You will always be someone’s victim. They will always be yours. You will be a victim of circumstance. You will withhold your love, thereby surrendering your true power. You will live in a painful past that no longer exists. You will fear the future.  You will become resigned and cynical. Fear will be your Master! There are so many things that you will deny, but most of all – you will impair your growth and block real opportunity and possibilities for your soul’s development.

If you take the path of love, you will have increased compassion. With time, you will gain a healthy perspective. You will become peaceful. You will not have to understand anymore, you will just trust what happened. You will gain wisdom and grace. You will heal to become a greater being than you could have ever before imagined, for you have been purified in the refiner’s flame and found worthy of the test of fire. There are many blessings given, but perhaps the greatest of all is this.  LOVE will become your teacher. Among many things taught, you will learn that you are never without your loved ones, for you will know that love can never die. You will grow and develop into the embodiment of LOVE itself. Not too shabby!

Death can be a harsh teacher; it tends to make us have to choose between love and fear. Because of the pain, you may want to react by closing your heart. But if death is faced with open eyes, heart and mind, death has the ability to bear great gifts.

Who have you been?

Who are you going to be now?

Are you going to be your strongest self or your weakest self?

What is your choice?

Love or fear?

May I suggest that you open your heart up completely- even wider than it has ever been opened before.

Even though it is very difficult and seems counter-intuitive, find the courage to embrace the experience. It actually dissolves the pain.

I suggest that you feel everything that rises up in you. Feel it all without running away and trying to medicate it. Remember, each tragedy only has so many tears that can fall. Feel your way through this. It gets easier. I promise!

Although you might have moments when you wish you would die, this experience won’t kill you. It will purge and purify your soul. You will emerge as a stronger new you. Thank goodness for time!!!

Be brave. Trust. Be worthy of all the potential this experience has to offer you.

Mental/Emotional pain exists only in the brain’s memory of the past and fear of the future. It cannot exist in the awareness of the present moment. You may have to experiment with this one before you believe me.

You may think you are alone in your experience. You are not. It helps to remember that many people, all over the planet, are experiencing a version of what you are going through right this minute. These people are just like you.

It’s unfortunate, but it is part of life. And… you are never alone. Really!

You will undoubtedly confront your own mortality. Breathe. This is really intense!      Proceed boldly.

It gets easier though. I promise!

Stay awake and participate in transforming this tragedy into love beyond measure. You can do this! I know you can.

Talk, talk, talk to any willing and courageous soul you can find that will just listen to you as you ramble and free associate. It takes a special person who can just listen to your pain without trying to fix you. You are not broken. You are only experiencing an aspect of life…. death!

And lastly, always, always, always… Choose love!

In the end… Love is all there is.

Welcome! Thank you for visiting Griefandmourning.com

My name is jade.

How I came to have this website/blog was most unexpected.

A few days before Thanksgiving, I was having a phone conversation with my adult son, Chris, who lives in another state. I was discussing the challenges I was facing with writing my very first book, which is a current work in progress. I explained that my story is complex, so the compilation of it is difficult since it contains copious amounts of detailed information that has been given to me with regards to some of my more intensely profound spiritual/human experiences. These experiences that I call “Holy Moments” have spanned over the last four plus years of my book, but have actually been an occurrence throughout my whole life. If you have had them, you know what I’m taking about.

At best, taking on this writing assignment has been a huge undertaking, especially being a novice in the field. But interestingly enough, despite my continual inner resistance, I’m clear that writing this book is a part of my soul’s purpose and mission that I cannot ignore.

In my book, the story begins in 2007 with an astonishing out-of-body event, a “Holy Moment” that caused me to question everything previously known to me about God, reality and myself. I mean…this was an awakening, to say the least, as it encompassed every area of my existence!  From that moment on, I have felt completely compelled to share my story, no matter how awkward or difficult it seemed to be. Then… there’s just finding the best and most accurate ways to capture these experiences with words so they could be re-experienced purely by the reader. This is my current process. I can see that this story contains useful and valuable information for anyone who happens to be a human at the time. So I press on to share them.

My book is a story that follows my journey through these last four plus years.  It is taken from excerpts of my journal back then until the present time, as I go through this huge, unraveling process called the “Ascension Process.” In the story, I am as Alice, going down the rabbit hole of the human experience. In the darkness beneath the surface, I courageously, and sometimes not so courageously explore every unbearable nook and cranny of that metaphorical underground tunnel system of the human psyche, but more notably and to the point, my deepest fears.

Although there were many rough patches on my path within the rabbit hole, nothing could compare or prepare me for the day I came to the biggest dragon of all. Sleeping quietly down there in the deep darkness…to be awakened, and as a result, wake me further and dredge me deeper into my process. This dragon turned out to be my worst nightmare of all…the unexpected and sudden death of my loved one, Christian, and the aftermath that followed.

What followed the hell I suddenly found myself in? In one moment, my world was gone, my life had ended and I began to experience intense fear, loss, depression and isolation, as I came to experience being one of the living dead.

The pain, so intense, teetered the edge between barely bearable and unbearable. I wanted to die, and my biggest fear was that I wouldn’t. For months I lived in this space, isolated…. neither in Heaven, nor in life itself. If there was really a hell, I knew this was it. If this sounds dramatic to you, then you haven’t sunk to the depths of this experience just yet.

Recalling these painful and raw feelings of helplessness and hopelessness after Christian’s death, one of the things that began to emerge was my desire to be of service. I remembered asking God to please allow me to be an effective bridge or a channel for those who have lost their way and are suffering in such despair and pain, so that they find their new path and purpose. Pleading with God, I reasoned – if I could do this, I could find courage to stay, noticing that a deeper part of me desired a noble purpose to give the balance of my life to.

You see, at the time of Christian’s death, it was difficult to find anything or anyone that could help with the pain I was experiencing. It was frustrating and the lack of relief only served to amplify my feelings of isolation. I made many attempts to find comfort through the paths that had once worked before when I had become upset and needed help, but this time all that I once knew – failed me. I had reached a deeper level of pain than I had ever felt before. I knew my soul was calling on me to face my greatest fear, with all its pain. My task now was to deal with it by looking it squarely in the eyes, without trying to resist or avoid in some manner.

Then, one day while in my deepest pain, I accidentally stumbled onto something that made a huge difference in relieving the torment I was feeling. It completely involved facing the Dragon. Then, other ways came too. With responsibility and practice, the surging pain began to diminish rapidly and I came to experientially realize something that I never could conceptually understand before. Being a serial sufferer throughout my life, this was a huge breakthrough for me! With experiencing these breakthroughs, came the desire to assist others with my story, experiences, poems, insights, inspirations, thoughts, songs, ideas and whatever else comes to me at the time.

Although my four-year journey has been intensely painful at times, I realize I probably would have never gotten to some of those deep and hard to reach crevices of my underworld, without going through those things I did. In my pain and suffering, I was finally forced enough to find my way to the light of freedom and newfound peace. It is because of my own experience, I know, that emotional and mental suffering has now become optional for me. Before, I could not say this, nor did I believe it.

While sharing this with my son, Chris, the main message and purpose of my book, I said, was to face the dragons and deal squarely with the fears within the human experience.

Then, remembering that old inspiration that re-hit me just a few days before our conversation, I said, “If I could make any positive difference in this world, what inspires me most is to assist people in getting beyond their pain and fear, especially dealing with death. To me, that would be a life worth having!”

After listening to me for a bit, Chris says, “You ought to be blogging about your message. You could help a lot of people.” I respond with acquiescence, but had no real intentions to follow through.

An hour later, I answer the phone to find that Chris has already secured for me, the web address, griefandmourning.com. “It’s here, regardless of whether you chose to do anything with it or not.” he tells me.

A few days later, I receive a text from Chris who gives me a username and password for my new website! Hence, my new blog is born from Chris’s complete vote of confidence!

Yikes!!!

Being the private person that I am, by nature, it is inconceivable to me that I would be putting my thoughts out into the world for all to see. These are not steps I would have taken on without the promptings of an outside force. But my son, now….a motivational coach, knows you cannot become your greatest self and achieve your greatest dreams when you are operating only within your comfort zone.

Besides, this new opportunity makes sense. After all, I am writing a book where I will have to display my most personal self. It is just as well for me to get used to it.

In a personal and professional realm, I’m no stranger to assisting those with pain and suffering, after all, I’ve been doing it all these years as a massage therapist, hypnotist, spiritual advisor and coach in my local private practice. I am, however, a complete stranger to blogs and website management! So, I ask for your patience while I, not only learn to navigate this new endeavor, but get used to sharing myself publicly.

If you have any ideas that would make a positive difference for all who might find this site, please let me know. I would appreciate your contribution! Your questions and comments are always welcome.

So here I am. This is how griefandmourning.com came into being.

I don’t know how this will develop, but I am willing to go into the complete unknown to see how it unfolds.

I am here to assist!

LOVE!

Jade