Grief isolation is an extremely painful part of the Grief Process. This post distinguishes important things to know about grief isolation, ways to deal with it, and how to avoid a common pitfall of making an already devastating situation of loneliness even worse. 

isolation

One of the most painful parts of the grief process is the experience of grief isolation. It’s bad enough that your loss already left you feeling alone and singled out from the rest of the world, but now, with no way of knowing how to respond to such tragedy, most grievers tend to go further into the isolation of pain and profound loneliness. While this is a common course people find themselves going toward, it doesn’t mean that it’s the best course to follow.

As human beings, we spend a lot of time thinking. It’s fine until we want some internal peace and quiet. Try as we may, we find it difficult to not think. Try it. That internal dialogue is always giving commentary to whatever our brain is perceiving at the time. It’s rather automatic. That’s why many have taken to meditation that clears the mind of thought.. to get some control over what is difficult to control. And… sometimes we just need a break from the constant monologue that infiltrates and influences our perception, especially when the thoughts we don’t like the most, dominate our inner air waves.

Unfortunately, after a difficult loss, our thoughts are on hyper-drive. These thoughts are often dark and all-consuming, as we become firmly gripped by our grief process. So, I think it’s important to identify many of the thoughts that contribute and perpetuate further isolation, as we navigate this part of our grief process.

These are some very common thoughts that contribute to loneliness after suffering a painful loss. While these are normal thoughts to feel, they contribute to further isolation, nonetheless.

• I feel so alone
• No one would want to be around me
• To be with others would hurt more
• No one could understand what I am going through
• My situation is unique
• I don’t need help. I need to go through this alone
• I must be strong
• I don’t want to be a bother
• I might depress everyone else that comes in contact with me
• I don’t want to be noticed
• I don’t want people to feel sorry for me
• To show my emotions is to show my weaknesses
• I feel so vulnerable
• I’m afraid I’ll be judged
• I don’t want to ask for what I want or need
• I just want to be left alone
• Being with others will make my pain even worse

Can you see it in these common thoughts? I mean, who doesn’t think this way? Right?

But, while every single one of these isolating thoughts might be normal to experience after your loss, they can lead to an even more devastating pitfall. The thing that makes these thoughts further isolating is, then… choosing to isolate yourself because of them.

I’m talking about the difference between being with people or being by yourself. I’m also talking about the difference between going out in the world, rather than being in your own inner world. I’m not recommending for anyone to wall yourself off and not allow yourself to think these thoughts. A griever knows better than anyone else, you can hardly help yourself. I’m advocating for the griever to not get trapped in them by becoming paralyzed in non-action.

I know it’s hard to think about going anywhere or being with any people, you just may not feel like it, but not doing so is to apply more loneliness on top of all these feelings of isolation.

Grief is personal and individual. No one can tell you the how to grieve. But, here are some ideas of how to gain power in your moments of isolation-

• Allow people to contribute to you. Instead of walling yourself off, let in those people who care about you. Tell them what is going on with your emotional state. They may have the most perfect thing to do or say. Even if they don’t, at least you know they care.
• When it comes to a difficult loss, crying and emoting is the new strong. It really takes something (bravery) to deal with all of the emotional states that go along with grief. To not feel them, either publicly or privately, is to cheat yourself and those around you. It is authentic and courageous to express what you feel- when you are feeling it. Besides that… it’s the quickest and most thorough way to heal.
• If being with people is not an option, be with people by reading books about real people who have gone through what you are going through now. Their experience will give you strength and understanding as you see that you are really not alone.
• Join Grief Groups. Instantly, you will see that you are not alone in your experience.
• Hire a Grief Advocate and Facilitator. A Grief Specialist will be there to make sure you don’t trail off into an endless spiral of dysfunctional grief, thereby keeping you on your healing path. As a Grief Advocate and Facilitator, who didn’t have one when I went through it, I learned a lot in the process of how to support and help others through their process.
• Take a break from your pain to help others. This could be people or animals. Service is a great way to get out and away from your internal world.
• Take a walk out in the world. This is symbolic of getting out of yourself. It’s nice to have a change of scenery. You will feel better when you return to your inner self.

The takeaway of all this is… all isolating thoughts contribute to even more isolation. To be inactive is to become paralyzed. Sometimes, wanting to be left alone with our thoughts, is not actually helpful. In fact, sometimes, our thoughts even hurt us… a lot! Be conscious about what you are thinking and if you see the logic in this post, take all efforts to pull yourself away from further isolation. I know you may want to die because of your grief, and being paralyzed may mimic this. However, if you keep yourself from this stage of inactivity, you will heal much faster.

Instead of going further into the deep end, find someone (known or unknown) to talk with and sort out your thoughts and feelings. If not, these thoughts and feeling are likely to drag you further down into a dark and depressing spiral. You will find that staying involved in an outer conversation will help a lot to keep you away from confining yourself to the solitary inner conversations that lead to a kind of solitary confinement of the soul.

May you be uplifted in your time of sorrow.

For more information on grief and ways to deal with it, click here.