Too often, the experience of guilt is a part of one’s own Grief Process. To makes sense of this devastating experience in which one’s loved one is taken from their lives, they look to blame what or who they can. Sometimes, in their pain, they blame others for contributing to their loss and look to punish and condemn them. For these people, it is easier to look outward, rather than within.

Guilt and Grieving

But for those self-punishing people who tend to internalize their blame, first and foremost, what stands out in one’s mind are the blatantly apparent thoughts of the places they may have fallen short. Often, they are haunted by the thoughts of what they did or didn’t do while their loved one was still alive. This type of self-flagellation often serves as their own private hell.

It is not uncommon for the bereaved to go through moments, if not long periods of time, feeling guilty after their loved one has passed away. The term “rumination” is Latin and refers to chewing cud. Although cows do this for digestion’s sake, the re-playing, re-churning and rumination of dark thoughts and blame only make the situation worse, by basically drilling this dark interpretation, however real or imagined, into our brains. Rumination is often the fuel for lasting anxiety and depression. Just say no!

If you feel guilty, before you proceed any further with it, please STOP and ask yourself some questions.

1- Why do you feel guilty? Did you actually do something wrong? Or were you just being human?

2- Do you think you are so almighty and so much in control of everything that you could have stopped life from happening?

Chances are good that, although you have convinced yourself that you are to blame, you did nothing wrong. Humans are always thinking they are doing something wrong, that’s why they are always trying to do something right. That’s a trick of the mind that is just baked into our human nature of being perfectly imperfect. However, some of us are just serial sufferers and will not let go of or give up their guilt easily.

Why?

Perhaps it’s a way to show their love for their lost loved one; the more suffering means the more they love. Perhaps it’s a self-punishment to pay for what happened and the perception of how they fell short. But perhaps it’s a familiar way of being that, despite damage that can be done to the sufferer, it is something familiar in a very emotionally unstable time, giving them the illusion of control.

But look. Your loved one would NOT want you to feel this guilt. Not if they truly love you. Never would they blame you for what life had in store for them. Never.

Not to spoil anything for anyone, but… I’m going to let you in on a secret. It’s called “Reality Therapy” by some. Here it is-  Life doesn’t discriminate. And death is included in life. Life just keeps going whether we like it, or want it too, or not. Like the Grief Process, think of Life as a process, too. It does what it does. Our only real choice is to like it and to understand that we can’t even begin to control the many variables of life. To think we can, is to deceive ourselves. It is what it is. What happened is what happened. And, no worries… You will see your loved one again.

The next thing, if after objectively looking at the situation, you find you really did do something wrong, the only way to deal with it is to face it and make it up the best way you can. And, the most important part is to commit to moving forward- away from guilt. Sometimes the very changes and adjustments made after a mistake can make the greatest differences in the world. The point is in moving forward, instead of backward and to avoid getting stuck in the pain and helplessness of guilt, because ruminating on what was done or not done is not productive. But commitment and action are very productive and powerful.

Matt, a reader of this site, once asked:
“I was wondering, if you feel guilty for something and ask a departed loved one to forgive you. Do they do it?”

My response:
“Of course they do, Matt. Our loved ones are no longer trapped in the physical body OR the physical moods and attitudes they once had. They have now gone to the light, where they can see things much better; given their perspective is much greater. From that view, they know that in order for us to learn and grow, we have to make mistakes. It’s part of being human. Humans are imperfect. They, themselves were imperfect, too.”

“If guilt is felt, one must make ernest amends to the living or the dead, then one has to move on from the guilt, as it has served its purpose to alert us that something is amiss and some action is required to correct our mistakes. And hopefully, enough is learned by the mistakes made, to not make that same mistakes again.”

“It is important that we recognize ourselves as imperfect beings who are just trying to do our best. But many times, to be our best, we have to learn from our mistakes. It’s kind of a catch 22. Many people feel guilt for some reason or another after a loved one has passed on. This is not uncommon to feel this way. Our loved ones are more than happy for our spiritual growth and development.”

In the end, navigating the Grief Process is hard enough without the piling on of unproductive guilt, which adds an even more painful dimension to our grief. Please know that to move forward in your process is to not get stuck in it. And if you get stuck for a minute, just move forward. Remember- continued guilt is optional.

My best to you for a smooth, productive and healing Grief Process.

Jade

You can read more about grief and ways to cope with it, here.