Grievers, who now find themselves in a powerful mix of new and devastating emotions, might wonder how they should be proceeding through their grief process. The concern of “grieving right” is just one more thing grievers find themselves heaping on top of an already heavy burden. Unfortunately, if you are experiencing profound shock, sadness, confusion and pain, just to name a few of those devastating emotions, then, you are in the right place. 

Grief

If you have suffered the loss of being separated from a loved one, I want to start out by expressing my condolences for your loss. The enormous grief that arises after such an event, can be quite devastating. I remember the shock, confusion, pain and the feelings of isolation so well, and my heart goes out to you. Hugs.

But now, as you are forced to navigate the grief process in which you have found yourself deeply immersed, I want you to know that, although it really feels like it, you are not alone on your grief process journey. Many people are experiencing those same miserable emotions. Besides those around you that may be grieving the same one that you are grieving, there are millions of people, worldwide, that are going through this process to some degree or another. In other words, however devastating loss can be to any individual, it is not personal, even though it personally affects them.

I know this is little consolation to your pain, but all too often, it seems like we are alone in our pain, especially when we are out in public, where people are smiling and happy in their lives because they are not having our particular experience, yet. We watch their delightful demeanor, which can seem almost frivolous compared to the horror that we are faced with. Now, we can’t even begin to smile or be happy for any reason whatsoever. But grief from a loss is quite common in a world as big as ours, it’s just that we just don’t always see it when our focus is so small. I think it’s important to keep that perspective. 

Finding yourself in this new-found place of painful emotions can be challenging to deal with. There are a lot of different and difficult emotions to feel and sometimes they come at us all at once. Because of our loss, there are many deep changes that are brutally forced upon us. The emotional waters are rough now- where all was once calm. There is the total upheaval of our lives and every single thing in it. There is mass confusion as the brain tries to make sense of what happened and why.

There is the death of future plans and dreams, and the horizon? It resembles a dark, bleak ghost of a vision of what might have been. There is serious and debilitating pain to face. Before you begin to heal, there will be a lot of mental and emotional layers to peel off. Because it’s your pain, only you will totally feel how deep it goes. And in the end… only you can totally heal it by moving through your process.

Although you may be surrounded by other grievers, not everyone responds to a loss or the emotions of a loss the same exact way. Grievers don’t always follow a particular pattern as grieving in not linear. One day you might feel as thought you can handle things, the next day you are in breakdown mode again, just like you were when your loss was new. These are the layers I am talking about. Like a wound that is programmed to heal up, it does so a layer at a time. We cannot rush it. Although you are in considerable pain at times, be where you are, without trying to fix or change it. Allow that wound to heal by itself.

Grief is a individual thing. The grief process moves at the speed that it does for each one. While some can move through it quickly, other processes can be quite slow. It really depends on the emotional/mental damage and scarring that has occurred from this loss and what it takes for you to heal. While you go through the many stages of your own personal grief process, it is important to know that you are grieving the only way YOU can. No two grievers are alike. However you are grieving though, is just fine, even if someone thinks you should be grieving differently. It’s your grief process.

Grief is a natural way to deal with that loss, and when it happens in our lives, we are compelled to face the worst thing imaginable… death. Just like our happiest times, which we may experience when our lives are happy and full, sorrow derived from a loss is a huge part of our life experience that can seldom be avoided, for death is a natural part of life itself.

It can be very annoying when well-meaning people, who don’t want to see you in such pain, and feeling uncomfortable with death themselves, can’t help but try to make the situation better. Many times, their counsel is to “move on” as to think anyone could sweep one’s entire loss under the metaphorical carpet. But, we know that this does not work. Not at all. The thing is, the grief process is personal and requires space and time to go through. It’s a very sacred time.

Take all the time that you need in order to heal yourself and your life. There will be days when the grief is manageable, only to be hit with a wall of sudden intense emotional pain the next minute. Sure, there is a lot of advice out there on how you should grieve, but the most important person to listen to, is yourself. Even though it can be excruciatingly painful to go through the grief process, it doesn’t mean you are doing it wrong. Loss creates pain, it’s only natural to hurt.

Just know, however miserable your loss is to experience, with some time, the grief process gradually becomes more manageable as the loss begins to heal itself… but to be honest, this can take a while. To heal properly, there is no “going around” or “getting over” these painful emotional stages, there is only “going through” them. It does take a considerable amount of courage, but as so many people have survived the process before, I know you can get through it, too.

Please be kind to yourself and refrain from comparing yourself with other grievers you may be in contact with; family, friends and/or others in grief groups. Perhaps another griever was not wounded as much as yourself, but it’s not a contest. 

I wish I could tell you differently, but living in the world that we do, there is no way around experiencing loss. Because of that, there is no way around experiencing the grief from that loss. But the most amazing thing our brain is capable of doing, is to heal. The way forward from the pain of your loss is the Grief Process. If you allow yourself patience, compassion and courage, you will get through it with time. Although you will always love and miss your loved one, to get to the end of the Grief Process is to heal the pain of that loss. May you heal with grace, and emerge a wiser, stronger and more beautiful you.

And yes, you are grieving right.

For more about grief and ways to cope with it, here.