With the two year anniversary of Christian’s passing quickly approaching tomorrow, March 31st, I’ve had a lot of heaven on my mind.
I’ve been thinking about my loved ones that have gone before me, and how much I’ve missed them from my life.
I’ve been remembering the short visits to heaven I’ve had during dreams, near-death, and out of body experiences, where I felt God’s full presence and the pure love that exists there. And, although I am extremely grateful for the knowledge these experiences have brought me, the downside is that many times, I experience an intense longing to be there, rather than here.
Adding to my homesickness is this subtle, but pervasive, boredom that runs in the background, and the same old tired routine in life that goes on day after day, and year after year. And, feeling like a foreigner in this world, I sometimes wonder what on Earth am I doing here? I ask myself, “Do I really want to be here, or there?” This is always the question, and one of the biggest sources of conflict for me.
To make matters worse, when I’m experiencing the pain of this world, whether it be, through heartbreak, disappointment or disillusionment, it only serves to amplify my longing even more.
Since my first near-death experience, which occurred over 25 years ago, I have indeed been blessed. Portals have opened from time to time, giving me the opportunity to “blow this joint”, if I really wanted to. I have been most grateful for these occasions, as I am a sensitive soul, and heaven knows that sometimes, this world is a little too harsh for me. But, because of what I would leave behind, I have consistently chosen to stay here for my children. Also, I’ve had the feeling that if I chose to leave too early, because of my own weaknesses, I might actually regret it.
Sometimes I remind myself of one of those kids I used to know when I was younger. At a slumber party with a group of friends, there was always that one girl who, with separation anxiety, was so homesick that all she wanted, was to go home. Never mind the fun that everyone was having at the sleep-over party! Never mind the fun she could have been having if she didn’t feel this way.
Other times, just existing in a world where pain and suffering are possible, it feels like I am serving a sentence of some sort, and specifically, that I have been sent to my room (Earth) to learn my lessons. And, only when I’ve learned my lessons, can I then come out again (Heaven). The only thing is, I wish I knew which lessons I need to learn, so I could learn them quickly!
This homesick feeling is nothing new to me. I have been carrying on like this for years. I’ve been belly-aching about how much I want to go to this next world, and how that’s where the real party is. I’ve even had romantic fantasies that in the meantime, someone or something would rescue me and take me there. The end of the Mayan calendar on 12-21-2012? The Pleiadians coming in their light ships? The Golden age of Aquarius? Ascension into a new dimension? Jesus, are you coming soon? Pretty please? But perhaps, just the act of expressing this belly-aching makes the homesickness a little more bearable for me. But, seriously…beam me up, Jesus!!!
Struggling with what to write, an old experience has been coming to mind for weeks. Unsure of what I could use it for, it wasn’t until yesterday that I suddenly knew. In separate phone conversations, two of my friends shared their sentiments with me about being homesick, tired of it all and just wanting to go home. It was only after the second clue that I knew how to use this old journal entry.
The following excerpt is about one such time when I was belly-aching about having to be here in this dualistic world and what a drag it was. Although this talk was mainly a superficial protest about being here, as I romanticized about being on the other side, the experience I was about to have would shake me to the core as it put everything into perspective … for awhile at least.
I had an experience when I went with some friends to Zion National Park. I had never been there before, so when we set out for Angel’s Landing, I had no idea what to expect.
Eventually, after walking for a very long time, I realized that we were going up to the top of a mountain. No doubt it was called Angel’s Landing because it was a mountain peak that was perched high up into the heavens. (Not kidding!)
We got to a certain point on the mountain, where my friends were resting and talking. I was looking up at the last leg of the hike to the top, when an internal voice told me that it was time for me to continue on by myself. So I did.
If you have been there before, you know how treacherous this hike can be. I really don’t know what I was thinking as I hiked the steep rock incline leading up its narrow face, alone. But one thing was for sure, it reminded me of literally climbing up the stairway to heaven.
On the narrow path, there was a thick chain bolted to the mountain for support, to hang onto, and guidance to show the way to the top. Strangely, there was no one else in sight and it was all too clear that I was on my own. (That’s not me in the picture, but that’s the freakin’ path)
I quickly realized I was experiencing a metaphor for my life. There I was, alone on this dangerous and unknown path, just before sunset …and without my jacket too! Getting cold, I remembered that I had left my only source of warmth in my friend’s backpack, down the hill.
Sometimes, I held onto the chain for guidance and support, but most of the time, I went without- I didn’t always trust it. Everything I did revealed something about myself and the way I have lived my life, even down to where I placed my feet as I climbed. And, there I was- climbing and again, trying to ascend to that heavenly somewhere that was so appealing to me – that place to reach, that place just beyond me, that final destination!
I’m not even exaggerating when I say that this climb was really dangerous. I’ve had nightmares about it since then.
The narrow trail went up the spine of the mountain. I didn’t even dare to look off the slick and steep sides for fear of losing my focus and falling to my death. (Obviously, I looked or I wouldn’t have known how steep and slick they were!) Basically, I was cold, scared and feeling very vulnerable when I had this next experience. I stopped to catch my breath, and being perched in a precarious position – I leaned into the mountain to keep my balance.
There, alone and in the stillness of this humongous mountain, I heard this loud voice clearly ask, “Are you ready to leave? Or do you want to stay?” I was quite shocked as I realized the implications of these questions. An image of my 11-year old son immediately flashed before my eyes as I quickly yelled out, “No, I’m not ready to go! My life is not finished. I want to stay here!” The question vanished into nothing and I was left in silence with the impact of what had just happened. God, as the mountain, had just spoken!!!
Crying out for my life, I was visibly shaken and disturbed by how close of a call it was for me! Had my answer been different- I have no doubt I would have “accidentally” slipped and fallen to my death! No one would have ever known that I had been given a choice.
Then, dumbfounded, I heard the words, “BE HERE NOW!”
It was as if God said, “Okay, if you are choosing life, then stop all this other nonsense and BE WHERE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW!”
With this experience, I was given the realization of just how fine a line it is between life and death. Although we may not like to think so, we are more fragile than we know and, really… death could come for us at any minute. (Just ask Christian!)
So, although we may miss our deceased loved ones. We may feel homesick. We may be bored, sick and tired of the routine of this life. We may wish to be out of the turmoil of this chaotic world, but the question always stands; “Are you really ready to leave? Or do you still want to stay?” Something to think about.
Remember…Life is fragile, handle it with careful thought!