Among all the stages of grief, probably the hardest part is the loneliness. The vast missing of a beloved seems to extend forever in all directions for a time.
Art and Sally
Art and Sally were married for 54 years. When Art, suddenly passed away just over a year ago, It broke Sally’s heart. Since then, Sally has been grieving and missing her husband terribly.
Throughout their marriage, Art loved to take care of things for Sally, inside the house… and out. He was very handy, capable and could fix just about anything.
In the warmer months, you could see Art outside, wearing his sun hat, either on his tractor or physically working in the yard around the family house they built for themselves. In fact, he liked hats so much that when they would go on any adventure, he would buy a baseball hat as a souvenir.
One day when Art was still in the physical, he asked Sally, “What are you going to do with this big house when I’m gone?” Sally, thinking Art would surely outlast her, shrugged. She never would have imagined he would go before her. You see, the property is in a very secluded area without much traffic or many close neighbors. Art was wanting her to think about such a thing and be prepared in case it was necessary. Surely, It would be too much for Sally to take care of the whole house and property by herself, nor would she want to.
The Hat
Art’s garden hat
After Art’s passing, Sally has had some after-death communications from Art. Ironically, in one of them, he was still taking care of her by informing her of a possible plumbing problem. But the other week when Sally, so lonely and sad, was wanting yet another sign to give her confidence that he is still around, she went outside her house. On top of the flower bed, sat Art’s hat.
Although she can’t explain how the hat got there, Sally knew it was Art who left his it as a sign. No one else had been by the property since the gardeners were there, less than a week before. Enjoying the moment, she left it a day or so before the next time the gardeners would come. Then, she put it on her head and has worn it outside ever since.
Commentary- It’s clear that our loved ones perceive our thoughts and feelings. Although it doesn’t always happen, we do get these signs and after-death communications from time to time. And, it’s a real confidence booster and comfort when it does happen.
Art left his hat on the flower bed, as if to say, “I’m still here, I’m still in the yard and I’m still in the house with you. I have never really left.” It’s also a way for Art to give Sally flowers, and his hat being there, certainly got her attention. He also gave her his hat.
Putting on the hat is a way to merge on a spiritual level. It’s a way to acknowledge they are close to us. Having faith in our bond, we acknowledge and accept the possibility and truth of it.
Loneliness
loneliness
When a loved one passes, it is difficult. There is a particular kind of loneliness that one experiences in what seems to be the setting in of some kind of finality. Sure. Things are not the same. We feel alone even though we may be surrounded, and even supported by people we love.
We see people out and about without as much as a care in the world. We notice the stark contrast in the human state of mind that many never notice until something like this happens to them. The lightness to the heaviness and just how deep the heaviness goes with grief. Never do we go any deeper than this.
We find ourselves in new and uncomfortable places in our psyche. We want to escape but we feel stuck. Sometimes it is just too much to take. The loneliness, that is.
Lean into it
Look. Having gone through this, I know it’s tough. I know it hurts. It may even seem unbearable at times. However, when I am asked about this, I always say to, “lean into it.” Yes. Lean into the loneliness and into the pain. Have the courage to do so. To experience a love this deep as to grieve this hard is a blessing and an honor.
It is a blessing because you loved and were loved. Your relationship was deep and intricate. Your hearts, minds and souls merged together in a way that created this magnificent bond that is not so easy to get over. Good! It takes a lot of missing someone when they are no longer in the physical and sometimes, a whole lot of time. That’s called loneliness. Lean into it, it honors us, them and that sacred relationship.
They are right here
Our beloveds have not gone away. They are with us, love and care for us and reach out to help us where they can. At times, they leave their signs and after-death communications. Our relationships have not gone away. They’ve just gone deeper. We will be reunited with them again someday in the future in a way that satisfies us completely. Every day we live, paves the way for that. But remember, in the meantime, to live your life here, as well.
Shortly after this, another amazing thing happened. Previously, when Art asked her about what she would do with the house, she had no idea whatsoever. In what seemed like a miracle in her mind, she suddenly knew the right answer to that previous question, without any doubt at all.
With Art’s blessing, she will move into a new condominium in town where she will have a community there, no yard work, and will move forward and further into her healing path. And, of course, she knows that Art will follow her there, too.
Side note- Art’s souvenir baseball caps have all been adopted by family members who now spiritually merge with him and wear him close to themselves, as well.
A poem Sally got from one of her grief groups
