In (Part one), Survivor’s Guilt was defined, common symptoms of Survivor’s Guilt were revealed, along with some ways to understand it. In this post (Part two), I will go deeper into the dynamics of Survivor’s Guilt and why you are actually innocent, but thinking that you are not.

From the onlooker’s point of view.
For the onlooker, the grief process of Survivor’s Guilt may seem irrational in some cases. Well meaning people who don’t understand the complex dynamics of this mental/emotional dilemma may say something of this variation to the survivor, “At least you didn’t die, just be glad you’re alive.” While this is one way to look at it, at least from the onlooker’s point of view, because of the ambiguity mentioned in the first post, saying this does little to solve the problem. In many cases, it may make things worse.

Whatever degree of Survivor’s Guilt someone is experiencing, it is very real to that one. And, however traumatic the reaction to the concerned onlooker, it is part of a normal grief process for one to experience, while sifting through the many layers of ambiguous thoughts and feelings. As with any grieving process, Survivor’s Guilt takes some time to get through. Be patient.

A deeper understanding of two very gnarly emotions.
To get a deeper understanding as to why human beings commonly think and feel the way they do, let’s distinguish the emotions of guilt and shame.

Guilt has to do with what one did or didn’t do, and the feeling of falling short because of it. Whereas, shame has to do with the self-perception of who one IS or Isn’t and embarrassment because of it. Both of these horrible emotions stem from our hard-wiring that tells us that SOMETHING’S wrong, and even worse, that fundamentally… Something’s wrong with us. Not that we were wrong about a simple mistake, but at our very core, WE are wrong as a human being. With this point of view, can you see how there is no way to win? There is no grace. There is no kindness toward oneself. While humans beings can be inaccurate at times and make occasional mistakes, (that’s normal), it doesn’t mean one is inherently wrong.

Please, take a moment to think about this last paragraph and how this thinking is deeply woven into the very fabric of our lives. Because this thinking is so deeply ingrained and pervasive, we act from these unconscious foundational beliefs all the time, never even realizing they are actually faulty. And, even if we become conscious of this, we can’t figure out why we are so determined to believe these faulty beliefs, when they are so harmful to us.

Although, neither of the emotions of guilt and shame are actually “the truth,” humans tend to automatically go there first. And worse than that… people think their thoughts about this are valid since they have not yet learned to differentiate between their hardwiring and what’s really so. It’s like white on rice. It can seem impossible to separate the two. But thankfully, unlike white rice, we can learn to separate our conscious thinking from our unconscious programming.

A little more about human hard-wiring.
At the base of being human exists our hard-wiring, or like a computer, you could call it programming, as well. If you become aware of it, you at least have a chance to begin the separation process. I’ll use another example to explain what I mean. Elevator music. You get in an elevator and sometimes in the background, there is music. For some reason, it’s often annoying, maybe because of the music, maybe it’s because of the tinny sounding speakers, but you have to adapt in order to get from point A to point B, without too much distraction or going insane. Eventually, after so many times of being in the elevator, you may just block the music out until you no longer hear it. This is what our brain does and at some point it all becomes background noise that subconsciously bleeds through into our lives.

What does this have to do with guilt and shame? Why are our brains programmed with guilt and shame? What is its origin?
Sometime after we have been on this Earth long enough, usually early childhood, we begin to lose our innocence. You see, a part of us (our brains) become aware that living on this planet is a dangerous place, in which we might get hurt. The programming begins to set in at the first moment we realize that there is something wrong in our world. After that first moment, there are a string of many other moments of “something’s wrong” that continue on from there, until we are surrounded with them.

Because we could get hurt in this world, it makes sense that we must protect ourselves. Basically, fear has been introduced to the brain at this point and has been allowed to thrive. But unlike our innate fearless spirit self, because our brain finds itself to be inadequate to handle the dangers of this crazy world, it creates a construct as its best defense for protection. This is commonly referred to as the Ego or False Self. False self because the defense mechanisms the brain creates are to show a more powerful side, to compensate for the brain’s real belief of not being up to the task, in contrast to the pure consciousness of our true spiritual selves. However amazing the brain is, it could never begin to compete with who we really are at our true foundation as pure consciousness.

As the Ego grows in order to protect itself in this world, it runs, it hides, it carries on, it lashes out and it fears. But what it fears the most is that it’s not enough to measure up. So we get stuck with some of the Ego’s programming of inadequacy, inferiority, unworthiness, undeserving and insecurity, because navigating the dangers of this world is a BIG thing to the brain that thinks it has so much responsibility and has to control so many things. And let’s not forget about actual physical dangers too, the brain has to figure that out as well. Let’s hear it for the Brain! Thank you brain! But, do you see why human beings are imperfect? Because the brain is not perfect but does the best that it can.

Looking at it from this point of view, it’s easy to see how guilt and shame are a big part of the narrative. But once we have become aware of this, we begin to identify and challenge these old programs that are masquerading as our actual current thoughts. But… if you can separate yourself from your brain, (YOU ARE NOT YOUR BRAIN, you just have one) none of this was ever any of your fault. It was just the brain’s best attempt to manage fear in what the brain believed was a very scary world.

Enter Consciousness. De-mystifying guilt and shame.
If you didn’t know this already, now you do. Pay attention, it’s amazing that this programming even exists. It’s even more amazing when you can separate yourself from it enough to see that fear, and our reaction to it, is so programmed into our brains, that we never even had a chance.

I’m telling you all this for a reason. I’m de-mystifying guilt by demonstrating that you are always, constantly, covertly dealing with fear: insecurity, inadequacy, inferiority, unworthiness and how you did or are something wrong. Although these un-empowering messages are not really “the truth”… it doesn’t stop us from believing they are. Because of our very deep belief that something is always wrong, we seem to be guilt and shame waiting to happen. Just now, I can hear Yoda say, “The fear/guilt/shame is strong with these ones.”

See how humans are? We already feel bad about something that happened, then we heap a giant helping of critical self-judgment on top of it because we think that we are doing it wrong. Let’s just take grief by itself without adding anything else or making it any worse. Deal?

I tell you this as a caution. Take it easy on yourself. Humans are imperfect and we live in a world where a multitude of experiences must be lived through in order for us to learn and grow to our full potential. But also, in the process, we have the opportunity for our brains to become aware and evolve the way we think about these things, hopefully, in new, and more peaceful ways. Perhaps the greatest opportunity is that we have the opportunity to become the master of our programming and to see it for what it is- just the old programming of fear.

Feelings of inadequacy, insecurity and unworthiness all play a part in Survivor’s Guilt.

• A father and mother could not save their child from a mass shooting. There main role was to protect their child. They think they don’t deserve to live.
• A mother loses her child in an auto accident. She was driving. Now she’s got to pay a price.
• My father’s platoon died in war while my father lived because he went back to the foxhole to find his ring. He suffered with Survivor’s Guilt and PTSD his whole life.

These are all hard examples of Survivor’s Guilt.These are also all example of some brains trying to survive this world.

The sad thing about when things such as this happen… no one did anything wrong. These things just happened. But it is human nature to think we could have, should have done more than we were able to do. We think we should be perfect.

There are so many other good examples than this. My point is… there are things that happen in which we have no control. We must learn to accept this by working through our pain. Eventually, we may be able to get some relief and find ways to make something good out of something so bad. We must come to believe in our innocence rather than our guilt and shame.

Feelings of Isolation

Coming to terms.
Left to the realization of what it is to be a human being, you can only do what you can do. It is normal and all too common for us to fail at times. Humans are imperfect by nature but have a conscious/subconscious belief that humans “should” be perfect. While this is unreasonable, this belief sets us up for episodes of severe pain and self-loathing. These unrealistic thoughts can lead to feelings of isolation, which only add to the pain.

The guilt of falling short and the shame of being unworthy, undeserving, inadequate and inferior by some imaginary standard, tears at us, then brings on the psychological floggings that are present in the above mentioned post, that are so damaging. It’s also interesting to note that, when faced with death, or the death of another/others, we are forced to confront our very own mortality. We get a eye-opening view of, as mortal beings, how fragile we, as a body/brain, really are. To have to contemplate the fleeting nature of life can be jarring and devastating to deal with.

Unfortunately, whatever it is… it is what it is. It stinks, too! Sooner, rather than later, it is time to begin the difficult process of reconciling what happened, trying to make some sense of it and finding a path forward. I know it’s difficult and I’m so sorry for anyone who is going through Surviver’s Guilt, as it is an additional appendage to the grief process, but it’s important for you to know that there is a way through your tunnel of darkness and into the light. There is a way from guilt and shame to pure innocence.

In Survivor’s Guilt (Part Three), I will offer my best suggestions to get through it smoothly.

Also see– Survivor’s Guilt (Part One)
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Stages of Grief
Serenity Prayer as a Tool