In processing her grief over the loss of her husband, Rich, Kathy writes a book of their last and fateful trip to the Bahamas, as seen through the eyes of her cocker spaniel. 

Kathy writes:

Rich

“My husband, Rich, died 4 years ago while we were on a dream trip to the Bahamas on our Pearson 385 sailing vessel. It was to be the start of a great retirement, but our trip changed course and altered our lives forever. Rich became septic and a short 4 weeks later he was dead.”

“I had this idea in my head to write a book that chronicled our last and final trip down the west coast of Florida, the Keys, and the Bahamas. I had done a blog along the way and needed to add some more chapters and elaborate a bit on the contents. The results “CJ, BITTS, and a BOAT, An Adult Cruising Adventure.” It was published in March of 2019.”

CJ&Bitts Charlotte Harbor

“The book is written through the eyes and voice of CJ, my cocker spaniel. Bitts is her Shih Tzu sister, and of course the boat is our beloved Rikava, which was named by joining together parts of our names. The book is a dog story, a love story, and a travelogue that has humor, education, adventure, drama and tragedy.”

“First and foremost, I wanted the book to be a tribute to my wonderful Rich. Maybe I just wanted to immortalize him. I thought writing it would be cathartic, and in a way it was, but it certainly was hard to write the “Livin the Nightmare” chapter.”

“I truly felt like I was there on each and every entry of the blog, and it was all so very crystal clear, like it all happened just yesterday. The happy parts made me smile and the sad parts brought me right back to the reality of this nightmare. It made me shutter and wonder how I ever made it through it. Writing this showed me that I was stronger than I ever thought I was and yes, I made it through it. The Acknowledgements: gave me the opportunity to thank the multitude of family, friends, and strangers who helped me through the ordeal.”

“However, having stated all this, I never thought I would make it through the first two years of the grieving process either. I was such a mess. I swear I cried all day, each and every day. If it wasn’t for having to take care of my elderly Mom and autistic brother, I probably would not have gotten out of bed. God certainly knows what he is doing!”

“So, just like some of the rest of the grievers out there, I made it through the worst of times. I think of Rich when I wake up and before I go to bed at night. I don’t think that will ever change. However, now I do more smiling than crying, remembering his sweet soul and all the magical times we had and truly believing we will see each other again at the end of my time on Earth. And yes, I have emerged stronger than I ever thought possible.”

CJ

Commentary- I asked Kathy to share the healing process of writing her book, through the voice of her Cocker Spaniel, CJ, because I saw the tremendous value of articulating and processing grief in this very cathartic way.

In times of intense grief, the human brain is fixated in the one dimensional thinking of immediate pain, pain and more pain. It can think of nothing else. Shock and denial sets in as a form of natural anesthesia. This is the way our brain goes into survival mode in an attempt to numb us, and tamp down the full devastation of the emotional spectrum that surely will come.

With time, as we begin to process what happened and how our world has changed because of it, shock and denial fade as we begin to feel more of the full weight and consequence of our loss. And just like the feeling of anesthesia that has worn off, we begin to experience the raw pain as our new reality sets in. This is a normal part of our grief process.

In this dark unfamiliar place, we search for light. Being newly blinded, we struggle to understand what we can’t yet begin to comprehend. We try to find tools that will help us find our way out of the pit of despair in which we are now contained. We go through a confusing myriad of emotions that come, go and blend into one another. It repeats so often that we think we might not survive.

If you’ve experienced loss, all this may sound familiar, It’s a dark, lonely and devastating place. But one thing is for sure. While you are having all these thoughts and feelings, the good news is that you are on the road to begin to process them. This takes time and perspective. It also takes courage.

Writing is a deliberate way to work through the hard to face emotional blocks linked to difficult thoughts. Being able to articulate a grief process is a must, if one is to ever uncover what is actually thought and felt. Although verbal expression works too, writing is a more private option.

Using the medium of writing, through book or blog as Kathy did, is not only a great idea to face the truth of what happened, but does so in a immensely therapeutic way. This is why keeping a journal of thoughts and feelings are often recommended for the bereaved. Taking time to slow the thoughts and feelings down can be calming and peaceful. Of course it can be bittersweet, too.

Allowing CJ to tenderly tell much of the story was a brilliant way for Kathy to process her devastating loss from a multi-dimensional perspective. This is related to peripheral healing. Both she and CJ told their own story, but from different points of view. In doing so, she gave herself the opportunity to heal different layers on different levels. She told what she could tell as CJ and she told what she could tell as Kathy. 

Articulating thoughts by spoken or written word, can help to isolate the cause of particular emotions. Sometimes, it just important to know what your dealing with. Poetry is great for this and can really capture your painful world in a very deep, dramatic and creative way.

There are very good reasons for writing down your thoughts and feelings. It is possible to discover that certain painful thought-producing emotions are not even real. If you don’t consciously monitor your thoughts on a regular basis, you may have some false ones. For example. It might be something you unconsciously once heard and integrated, without any thought about it. Maybe you didn’t even know the thought was there.

When you really start to listen to your thoughts, you find they are very active. They say all sorts of things. Some things are true and some are not. Some are good and some are just plain, unfair. If you pay attention to them, you will become conscious of what is dictating your experience. Discovering your thoughts, speaking or writing about the pain of those thoughts can shed light into even the darkest of regions, thereby causing light and truth to be your healer. 

Rich

Although Kathy still misses Rich today, she has come a long way. Dealing with her loss in this profound way, she has done the hard work. She has fully processed her most painful experiences in a very creative way. Having been forged in the Refiner’s flame, she will never be the same. She is stronger and more valiant than ever before. And Rich smiles, as he muses at the absolute magnificence of the woman he still loves. 

You know what they say. “Life is short.” But… without as much as missing a beat, someday, Rich and Kathy will reunite. Their adventure will continue, doing what they love, together, they will sail the heavenly seas again with their furry friends. And this time, their voyage won’t be cut short.

For those interested in Kathy and CJ’s book adventure together, you can find it here- Amazon.com, BarnesandNoble.com, and BookVenture.com.

“It is a testament to the human capacity for resilience and survival, to create memories and honor those memories that have been created. It is a lovely memoir of one’s travels through life”.
-Reviewer from “The US Review of Books”.

All proceeds go toward animal welfare.