There were two of me there. There was the one who was just about to dive off the edge into the dark abyss, and… there was the other – very concerned me, warning me, if I took the plunge, it would be suicide, and I would surely die. And… to that, a smiling me shouted out, “Oh, no I won’t, ’cause I can fly!” just before diving off the edge into the deep night!
I watched her in wonder as she fell through space, so graceful; head first with arms extended. Then, just as she’d said she could, right before hitting the ground, this Superwoman did indeed take flight in the direction of her choosing, and I became her!
Who knows all the places I flew that night, but… I do remember one place in particular. I found myself hovering before a large beautifully framed window. “How curious,” I thought, as I looked at its surface. It reminded me of the window at Wendy Darling’s old London home, where Peter Pan periodically returned, fresh from an adventure in Neverland, to look in on those he loved.
When my focus shifted from the outer window pane, my awareness was now being drawn deeply through the glass. In contrast to the darkness all around me, the room inside was brightly illuminated. As I scanned the elegant room filled with, what seemed to be a modest gathering of beings, I saw Christian sitting there. I noticed how happy he was, as he turned to look up at the person standing to his right; and as usual, his smiling face was equally as bright as any light could ever be!
He looked like himself, cheerfully smiling, but his hair was slightly longer and his face was a little more filled out. (He would have been 28 years old, a few weeks ago)
When it finally dawned on me that I was actually seeing Christian, I was elated that, at any moment, he would turn to look at me to acknowledge my presence, and… of course, smile lovingly at me. But sadly… he didn’t look my way, nor was he even aware I was there.
As I watched him from the dark outside world, I thought of how many times, lately, just before going to sleep, I had asked him (and God) for a visit from Christian, since I have missed him so much. But to no avail; there had been no evidence of a visitation.
The possibility that fed my elation, soon turned into disappointment as I realized this was only a dream of wishful thinking, in which I happened to be aware. For, if this were the visitation I’d been asking for, surely Christian would have been conscious of me, and perhaps even had some enigmatic message to give me, to keep me going in this life. And… for the very first time in my life, I understood the old familiar saying, as I literally experienced what it felt like to be an outsider with my “nose pressed against the window pane,” longingly peering in.
Discouraged, I flew away as my night-time dream quickly faded into the light of a new day, that found me in bed crying. As I remembered this strange dream, I sighed as I thought to myself, “Another night, and no visitation!”
I had missed Christian terribly… AND ONCE AGAIN… I realized that, although I know that Heaven can exist anywhere; in a kingdom in the clouds, somewhere on Earth, in my head, or in my heart, my idea of Heaven is being together with ALL the ones I truly love, meaning… Heaven is not complete if someone you deeply love is missing!
AGAIN, this revelation saddened me. I thought about the ones I love who are here, and the ones I love who have gone on, and realized that, although it is possible for me to spend the balance of my days on Earth in peace and happiness, without those I’ve lost to death, a deeper part of me knows I’m not in that place of complete love and fulfillment that my soul calls its home, until all my beloveds are united together again.
This thought took me back to a specific conversation that Christian and I once had when contemplating the true meaning of what “home” is. We weren’t talking about a physical abode; a place to “hang your hat,” but, rather, a place to hang your heart on those you love.
To us, “home” was more about a frequency; a pod of people to whom we become deeply connected and spiritually bonded. This bonding could be to biological family, spiritual/soul family or some combination of both. The value and beauty of “home”, we surmised, was the soul group we travel with through the many situations and circumstances of life’s journey. If you were really lucky, your “home” was a physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually safe haven and loving place to weather all of life’s storms. “Home” was a place to relish good times together too; a place to create and build ideas, and… a place to nurture the growth and development of one’s own being, but mostly, “home” was where you were most free to be yourself.
But sadly, with Christian’s death in 2010, part of my spiritual/soul family, or “home” was disrupted, and it has been impossible for me to deny this great loss. Oh sure, even gone from this realm, he is still part of the spiritual/soul group I call my “home” and always will be. Though he may be guiding me from the “other side,” for that I am grateful, but also… deeply saddened that he is not here in this physical realm. I miss him, as I walk an uncertain world without him. The great loss of him has made me realize just how much I depended on him to be part of my “home”… even here on Earth.
I spent the day in a subdued mood, wondering if I should be writing down my dream. I debated with myself as to whether it had any valuable significance… or whether it would just be depressing to me. As the day rolled on, my mind worked on the dream’s possible meaning; the symbolism and the clues that might have seemed obvious to someone else, slowly and so cleverly began to reveal themselves to me. Then, sometime around dinner, it suddenly hit me! I did experience a visitation, but it was me who visited Christian!
In a very significant out-of-body experience, I became separate from the limitations of the physical body, when a less tangible and an unfettered part of me decided she was taking off for an adventure. Whether or not she was consciously aware that she was going to visit Christian, I know not… although she… I… did end up there. And, apparently, she knew all about flying, as she was quite confident when she took flight, while the concerned physical aspect of me wondered if this was just a subconscious dream about committing suicide.
Hovering before the magical window was enchanting; I could tell it was something very special. And, just like Christian has come to visit and look in on me many times before… who knew I could visit, and look in on him? Leaving my physical body and having the faith to jump from the edge of the physical laws of this reality, then, finding the magical window, was the access to this portal that made seeing into this other dimension possible!
This experience made me realize that it really is possible to look in on the ones we love; for it seems that the window can be viewed through both directions.
So, you see… we are never really so far from home that we can’t go for a visit every now and then. Now… it’s just about being conscious when we have visited, and bringing the memory of that awareness back to this physical realm!
In memory of Christian… one of those special beings I call my “home”… and my Heaven.