Grieving in Secret

After Elisa’s secret lover, Eric, suddenly and unexpectedly passes away, she faces the pain, guilt and grief of her loss, alone. 

When Elisa contacted me for help after “her friend”, Eric, unexpectedly passed, like so many other people, in my years of advising people, she didn’t quite give me the full story. What I mean is… she gave me the “safe” story first, while she tested the waters. It wasn’t until she could gauge my response and if she could trust me in not judging her, that she felt safe enough to share the whole story of what happened and why she was so deeply grieved in more ways than usual.

You see, like anyone who fears being judged by others, and the added pain it can bring to an already difficult situation, Elisa was hesitant to tell me that Eric was not just her friend. But after a few emails back and forth, she finally told me that he was her boss, and married boyfriend, too, and that, for many years, she and Eric were involved in a secret relationship.

In her own words, and with Elisa’s permission, I share parts of her emails.
“I am a divorcee, and was pretty happy with my life before him, but he won me over with his charm, his wit, his words and his intelligence. As a busy CEO of many offices, I did not see him everyday, only once a week when he came to his office at my workplace. But, we spoke on the phone every work day! Not long, maybe half and hour, sometimes more. The best thing, which I miss so much are those calls. We sure talked A LOT!”

“When we met, we just clicked and there was this superb chemistry between us. It was just about the feeling of being loved that I liked – I never asked for marriage or money and he would ask, “Are you contented this way?” I said, “Yes, I am.” And, at that point in time, I truly was.”

“Being the charmer that he was, he attracted women like bees to pollen! Women just loved his charm and he just craved female attention. I loved him deeply all the same, but although he was married, I was never comfortable with his “flirting” and his attention-seeking with the other ladies. I am ashamed to say that I crafted ways to get him to stop contacting and getting close to women, but it did not work. And, to make matters worse, I didn’t expect him to die suddenly, when he did. I have been struggling with grief and guilt. While grief is a natural process, I cry, I am in a daze etc – it is the guilt I find so hard to deal with, that it is killing me.”

“See, he was the only man I dedicated myself to for three and a half years, and my mind and energy was always hardwired to wondering who he was texting or talking to now? I am wracked with guilt for what I did. I want him to forgive me. Please Jade, how can I do that and how do I know if he has?”

“So now you know the true story. After his death, I was a wreck. I grieved alone due to reasons you now know. I woke up at 2 or 3 am every morning and could not go back to sleep. I also became the subject of office gossip. You see, I changed my work times so I got off work earlier. I used to leave the office late because he was such a workaholic and he wanted me to be like him. I now changed my schedule and I didn’t expect even that – to be picked up by the office gossipers. It hurts to hear the gossip when my heart is still grieving.”

To make matters worse for Elisa, she shares the following about another woman she had heard about earlier, but found out with a certainty that Eric was also involved with this woman, Nancy.

Elisa continues:
“After his passing, I found out that I was not the only one. Like I said, Eric was quite a ladies man. Everyone knew that. A few years ago, I heard news about him and a married woman, Nancy, but that was before we became a couple. Then, when the news resurfaced again, I asked and he said, nothing; Just friends, ex-colleagues. I left it at that.”

“At his funeral, Nancy did not turn up. Two days later, I called up to ask why, of course in a gentle way.  Yes, I knew where she worked and I called. After all, he was gone. She said she couldn’t, due to some problems she had to step back and asked him to stop contacting her since January of 2015. We spoke, and she was relieved that she could share about their “close friendship” with me. I didn’t tell her we were more than close friends. What for? To hurt her?”

“We have been in touch and supporting each other. She misses him too and was feeling bad that she couldn’t go to his funeral or send him a birthday sms. She has been wondering if he would wish her happy birthday, but he died a few days before her birthday. I called her – yes, on her birthday. “It was her sign”, she said, that he still thought of her. She was very happy.”

“Today, I took a day off and Nancy and I were smsing and sharing our memories of him. Could it be that my spirit guide was leading me into this? – because Nancy started to reveal that they were indeed more than friends. He has known her for 20 years. He went to her wedding and years later, asked why they didn’t marry each other. She revealed to me how he called her everyday until January of 2015, bought her perfumes, presents, kissed her, hugged her……she said he asked her to promise never to leave him (he asked the same thing of me). All that he asked or told me, had been said to her.”

“This is not normal stuff you say, do, or give to a married lady. She was special to him and he was two timing me because I was “convenient” since I was single. I wasn’t angry with her – I was so so so angry with him and I told him how I felt and what I thought of him, in tears! I felt like I could just put him aside – he doesn’t deserve my tears! And I’ve been crying for a week now! I cooled down after a while and went back to my chores.”

“Jade, I genuinely cared and loved this man and this news was very painful for me to bear; finding out the way I did, after he was not around physically. If I did, I would have left because I deserve better. I feel cheated and cheap. The other lady was married – but he carried on with her – she said nothing “sexual” but they were so charged with emotion that she cried when she could not text him on his birthday. The gossip was too strong she said. He loved her and she, him. I came along only 3 years ago – they’ve known each other 20 years. Due to religion, she married someone else but stayed emotionally connected with him all this time. Whether it was a sexual relationship or not, it doesn’t matter to me now.”

“So there you have it, Jade. The tables have been turned. I read somewhere that spirits take on the same personality as their human form – if that is true, wow! I honestly am still very unhappy and this experience with him has made me more wary of men. What a way to find out! I sense him around me. Should I just ignore his spirit? I feel like that’s what I want to do. Oh Jade – I thought I met a good man. Then, he was taken from me. I accept that. Then I find out – THIS. I don’t even know what think anymore!”

Commentary- Sometimes It does happen that those of us left behind, find out hidden information about our deceased loved one, after the fact… and it can be devastating! On top of the grief one already feels after a loss, which happens to be one of the most painful and difficult processes we can ever experience, we could discover some form of deception, making it complicated as to how to interpret the ‘what and who’ we originally thought we were grieving. In these situations, as illusions shatter, the grief process quickly becomes convoluted, as the truth becomes plainly revealed. In Elisa’s case, even though she suspected Eric’s infidelity with other women, and although she was also the “other woman” to Eric’s other women, as well as his wife, it didn’t hurt her any less. This was an incredibly painful experience for her.

Now, given that Elisa was in a “hidden” relationship, who could she talk to? Who would listen and show compassion in her world? Who could she really just “spill the beans” with, to get the help she needed? As providence would have it, it was a “stranger” on the internet! I’m so glad she found GriefandMourning.com or I wouldn’t be telling her story. 

There are so many people out in the world, that have to grieve in secret because of who they love, the lifestyle they have chosen, sexual orientations, racial differences, cultural taboos, religious rules and so on. Social norms often dictate the way things “should” be and how a person “should” be living their life. How do we know how things “should” be? What if we think we do, but really don’t? Perhaps it’s a part of their life experience, perspective and growth. Who are we to say?

Think of all the pain one would feel after suffering a loss, but could not share, because they do not feel safe to tell their friends and family, because of the fear of judgment. If only LOVE could come before judgment. If only LOVE could ALWAYS come first!

Now, of course Elisa’s circumstances might not be the best to share openly, given the potential for gossip and also that a wife and family are somewhere grieving. And although Eric may have exhibited some character defects in some of his actions that had the potential to hurt others, he did deeply love his wife and family, and all who he loved, in the way that he did, and he wanted to protect that. Perhaps Eric, a great being, was just acting out his part in the grand scheme of things. Many times the greatest teachers in our lives are the ones that really put us to the test of LOVE!

Although Elisa was, I’m sure, curious, I was quite impressed that she was kind and brave enough to be there for Nancy; the “other woman”, who thought she was going through her grief process in secret and all alone. Even though this hurt like hell, and she balled her eyes out for hours after meeting with her, Elisa was there for Nancy in her grief and never let on that she too, was close to Eric. Elisa also received the gift of clarity of the situation, which has enabled her to face facts, see that she was not the only one, and begin her healing journey.

During a Skype session with Elisa, while she was naming all of the amazing qualities that Eric possessed, I heard a very deep man’s voice agree with her accolades of him. Trying not to interrupt her, but hearing this man on our call, I was anxious for a break in the conversation to ask her a question. “Is Eric’s voice extremely deep?” “Yes, every deep.” “Well I just heard a man with a very deep voice proudly agreeing with everything you just said!” Okay, so this probably leaves very little doubt that Eric’s persona is still the same as it was when he was on the Earthly plane, as Elisa had wondered before.

So now, although Elisa still loves Eric very much and forgave him, she was still feeling guilty at what she had done, and was madder than hell at him for what he did, as well. As a spiritual opportunist, I firmly believe in taking everything life throws at us and turning it into something extraordinary. I could see the great potential in Elisa, to use this experience to transform herself and grow past it to evolve herself in ways, that without this experience, she could not. Elisa is smart and intuitive but had a great hurdle to jump, and because of the amazing being that she is… I was sure that she could.

About the hurt… In using this opportunity to the fullest way possible, I advised Elisa, for her greatest growth, to open her heart so wide that she could never hurt like that again. I advised Elisa to trust that what happened is for her own personal growth and greatness and instead of being a victim of the situation and this man’s actions, let it serve to strengthen her to be wiser, stronger and transformed as a being, simply because of this experience. Hey, if we don’t turn our lemons into lemonade then what’s the point? If you don’t take and use difficult experiences, they will take and use you. And they will.

What? Back up a bit… Did she say to open up our hearts so wide that we could never hurt again? Yes, I did! This is something I learned with Christian’s death. Just when it hurts the most, and just when you are sure your heart will break from the weight of the pain… open it further to ensure that it does! I know this sounds counter-intuitive, but when you do this… when this really happens… you will have made the journey from your head to your heart. It is only in this powerful transformation that the excruciating mental and emotional pain that is experienced inside the head, becomes comforted by the heart. To feel conceptual pain is to feel stuck and tormented. To feel heart-felt pain is to feel sorrow and bittersweet, but it flows through. And it heals faster when you experience loss through your heart versus your head. I say, “Let the heart heal it, the head will only ruminate… and ruminate… and ruminate.”

Although death is part of life, we miss the physical stuff; the hugs, kisses and being able to reasonably communicate with each other. (And we thought it was hard when they were still alive on this plane? Now it really takes some super skills, as it’s not so easy as before, because it’s different.)

As far as Elisa’s guilt of what she did or what she didn’t do when it came to Eric… she was just being human… like everyone else on the planet. She was trying to keep safe the man that she loved. Most people feel some sort of guilt after a loved one has passed. This is natural. But don’t linger in it, because it is not “the truth.” It is just some of our insecurities rising to the surface. The big lesson, opportunity and invitation here is not whether Eric will forgive her, but whether she can forgive herself. This is always the most powerful question one can answer.

Follow up with Elisa- Having just gotten to her story, and since it’s been awhile since Eric’s passing (about a year), I asked her how her life has changed, how she’s healed thus far, and how she feels now about Eric.
Elisa replies:
“For more than a week now, I have been feeling his energy around me, he’s in my head, in car plate numbers, in my emotions, and then I got your email.”

“How have I grown?
“After his passing, I started to ask questions about life, purpose, God, afterlife and I wanted so badly to know if he was ok. I read everything I could on life after death, on spirituality, and I started daily meditations in January this year (2016). I am now doing a spiritual course and have plans to go on a spiritual retreat when I (or my guides) find one.”

“In that span of time, I have also done an energy healing course after I felt the healing effects it had on me. I know I tried to do too many things at once – I was running full speed earlier on but now, I am home in my body.  I am more grounded. By the way, in one of my first messages from him, it was “Stay grounded.”

“You know Jade, I sometimes think that he gave me a very special gift through his passing. He gave me this gift of spiritual growth and awakening. His soul knew that it would be a fork in my life – and I choose my life now.”

“As you know, and I am now living my life doing what I love and continuing to learn.”

How do I feel about him now?
“Of course, I still miss him – only those who have loved and lost through death will understand. I know he is just in the “other room”, so to speak – not just through reading about it – but I have sensed his energy a number of times. There are times when his name is mentioned, my hair stands on end.

“Oh, there were times, even after he passed when my mind drifted to the “other women” in his life, that I thought, “what the &@$% am I wasting my energy on you for?” Just a mere thought would trigger jealousy. He was very charming and irresistible. That was just him, but I still got jealous! I would get so upset and even say that I don’t have to care anymore.  I couldn’t understand why I loved someone who could not settle or felt that my love was enough. I wanted to forget and just continue on my journey, without him. But he was always there, lingering at the back of my mind.”

“After I started meditating, things did get better with my mind and it helps with my energy going all over the place. Today, after all the mind drama and emotions, he is still loved just as much as when he was on this earthly plane.”

“I don’t let this eat me up – but it’d be nice if he said, “You’re forgiven, Elisa!” Can you ask him please? :)”

And just like Elisa requested, I asked Eric at the end of this post, who said this:
“You’re forgiven, Elisa!” “Would you forgive me?”

Note: A special thanks to my dear friend, Elisa, for having the courage to tell her story. Elisa is not alone, there are many who hide in the shadows, for whatever reasons, as they grieve their loss. My prayer is that all those who read this story make a choice to be LOVE, before judgment, to those people in our own lives. And that those who are down-trodden and forlorn can come to us to be comforted with compassion and love. And that being LOVE, before judgment will make a world of heavenly difference!

23 thoughts on “Grieving in Secret

  1. Thank you Elisa for sharing your story! I know it took courage to open up and share what you went through. There are so many people that have to grieve alone for various reasons and I know this story will help them. Jade, you write so beautifully, thank you for all you do to help those who are grieving heal xo

  2. Thank you for sharing. I am also grieving in secret. The love of my life took his life only 7 months ago. We had a secret love affair for years after reuniting later in life. He was my first love. I often wonder if I could have actually left my marriage and made a life with him, if I could have changed the course and saved his life. I know he is still around me, but I miss him daily, hourly… I have so many regrets. It is comforting to not be alone and to not be judged. Thank you Jade.

    • You’re welcome, Karen. I’m so glad you know you are not alone. Many hugs to you. Thanks for sharing yourself. Go easy on yourself. Sometimes things just happen the way they do. I would steer you to the happier times you had together with your Love, instead of regret. I’m sure he is watching over you with love. Xo

  3. Thank you for sharing your story….I know it will be a comfort to others living similar experiences. And thank you Jade for your kind, nonjudgmental way of being. I like the comments about feeling your pain in your heart and the healing that resides there.

  4. So weird, before I thought to check my email to see if there were any updates on this site; I was just reading an article on a different website about an Elisa and Erik regarding afterlife. Then earlier today I was listening to a song about a Mistress being sad about her attached Lover. Not sure what it all means, but strange coincidences I think.

  5. Very nice story, that is a tough spot to be in and something I never thought of. It’s great advice to always to choose love first before judgment.

  6. Elisa – I’m glad you reached out to Jade. That took courage.
    Know that I have been praying for both you and Nancy for your grief to be brief.

  7. I am going through this. I am currently married and have been having marital difficulty for a few years. I met someone in 2013 – there was a connection that developed into more – for both of us- over time. We danced around our attraction all three years. Please keep in mind that we lived 15 hours away from each other and were at a shared location one weekend during the summer. We communicated via facebook and text, although untl recently, texts were only mildly flirtatious. He was not married at all during this time – only involved in one relationship. I assume that my marital status was intimidating – he didn’t know of my troubles. Finally, he communicated his true feelings in last month. I was elated. We both shared our anticipation for this coming August. There was really no way to see each other any sooner. He died one week ago today. Unexpectedly, from either a heart attack that caused his car to crash as he lost control, or from the crash itself. I do not know the autopsy results. He was fairly well known locally, so as there were intially news articles regarding his death, I continue to check. It is beyond difficult to deal with this for many reasons. I am experiencing one of the most tragic and debilitating personal losses of my life, and I can’t outwardly grieve. I am so incredibly sad. I cannot stop thinking about him and what could have been. I don’t know how to mourn this.

    • I’m so sorry for your loss, Brooke. I can totally get and appreciate the position you are in. Hugs. You will have to find a good place to cry your eyes out so you can express your sorrow without being too obvious. I recommend the shower. I know I did that a lot. And besides, it seems quite intuitive and symbolic with all the water streaming to the ground.
      I haven’t gotten it up on the site yet, but I will be offering affordable sessions soon if you have any interest. This will most likely go up within the next week on the navigation bar. Also, another option that you might be interested in is one of my online classes, “Navigating the Emotional Waters of Grief.” My classes are still fairly small and the participants get so much out of a group/class setting where they can talk freely about what’s up with no one to judge them.
      Let me know if you are interested in either. I’m getting this class together as I write this. Just a thought. Whatever you do, be sure to take extra good care of yourself during this time. Be kind to yourself and don’t think for one minute that anyone is ever lost. If you read the many post on after-death communications, you will see that this is quite a common phenomenon. 🙂 Take care.

    • Brooke,
      Your story is hauntingly familiar. Would love to privately contact you. Replying is so out of my comfort zone but I had to do something. Thank you for sharing. I’m so thankful to have found this blog and that I am not alone.

  8. Thank you. It truly helps to hear that I am not alone. I have dealt with loss before but never like this. I would be interested in learning more about the individual sessions and classes.

  9. Thank you for opening up, this story has already helped me taking the first steps on my personal journey to a different version of me. I lost my loved one unexpectedly last week. We’ve worked together for the last 6 years, but the magnetic connection between us got the better of us only around 1,5 years ago. He said he would never leave his spouse (they have never been married, but spent 12 years together and have a little boy) and I said I don’t want to commit to anything either as I was still recovering from my last relationship – perfect recipe for wild desire. It started as a highly sexually charged relationship – he was the first one to show me I enjoyed being controlled and I loved him being dominant and caring at the same time. It didn’t take long until looking into each other’s eyes had become euphoric – full of relief, hope, magic, depth. We fell in love.

    He lived in the broken home, cared for his depressed spouse and loved her, but he was not happy. They lived on separate floors for the last year of his life and he was devastated to see what his life has turned into, while he still loved the idea of what it once used to be and of course their little boy… On the other hand he felt alive with me and wanted to rebuild his life, be happy and therefore be able to give more to his son and build a healthier relationship with his son’s mother. We both agreed that for him and me to have a chance to build a healthy relationship, he needed to sort out his home life first and it had to be about him, not about us. I was also terrified to get all that baggage and I was scared to feel jealous with him for the rest of my life, felt scared to work on our already existing trust issues, so we were both slow and cautious in a way, yet explosive and wild each time we had any privacy. So irrational and so alive.

    I feel so guilty…. We shared so many hot moments, pictures, fantasies. I feel like I’ve inspired him to finally start looking for an apartment where he can start his new life. I backed off so many times, it was painful to feel like I’m second best. Not even second best at times… he worked with a woman he used to have a crush on 10 years ago and I always had a feeling he still has a very soft spot for her. He is attracted to beauty, sometimes I felt like he was thinking naughty things about any woman in heels, dark hair and hourglass figure. I believe I’m the first one he cheated with as we were very open with other, and he did tell me openly that he admired and enjoyed women’s company throughout the years spent with his spouse – he’s a very sociable person. I’m not the jealous type and yet our setting made me feel so weak and insecure. Each time I ran from him telling him I deserve better he hunted me down with his wild energy that I could never resist. He was my comfort, heat, passion, and absolutely irrational wild love. Apart from sexual heat and romantic experiences together, we’ve spent a lot of time together at work, he’s encouraged me and advised me on career decisions, made me laugh every day and we spent evenings talking to each other, texting, sending each other pictures. We’ve never managed to travel, make our fantasies come true, and I feel like all those drams are still so alive in my heart.

    He passed away so suddenly and left me and his spouse to deal with this. She never knew about me even though they lived on the separate floors, and now he’ll never be able to answer her questions if/when she finds out about the affair. He was so stressed and worried about hurting everyone, but never considered he’ll hurt us this way. He doesn’t give a shit anymore, and he left so much pain, but I’m trying to think that at least he’s not stressed about hurting others anymore. I am terrified to even imagine how crushed she would be if/when she eventually reads the messages we sent to each other, especially the last ones where he was saying how trapped, stuck and unhappy he feels at home – it breaks my heart to know he will never be able to make his life better, he did his very best trying to move on, even if it wasn’t enough for me.

    Last night I watched the movie “About Time” for the third time, please watch it if you haven’t seen it yet. Quote from the movie: “And in the end I think I’ve learned the final lesson from my travels in time; and I’ve even gone one step further than my father did: The truth is I now don’t travel back at all, not even for the day, I just try to live every day as if I’ve deliberately come back to this one day, to enjoy it, as if it was the full final day of my extraordinary, ordinary life.”

    We’ll never know… perhaps the death of our loved ones is the best of the worst options life had for us. Perhaps it has protected us from something inevitably more traumatic. My life was so different two weeks ago and it all has become dark, sad and lonely, yet…. Another traumatic life experience might happen tomorrow, so we simply have to be strong, appreciate what we’ve got out of it and love every minute of our precious days and people around us. I know there is meaning behind everything even though it feels so unfair and devastating. Some people suffer in pain and wish to die, others are full of life, hopes and pass away so unexpectedly, but there must be a bigger picture behind it all. There’s lessons we can all learn, there’s love we can eventually gain through this piercing pain, there are people we can inspire and support, we can be bigger and better than we used to be, we can love again. Let’s begin to love ourselves better. Sending you love no matter where you are xx

    • Your words are beautiful, Julie. 🙂 Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I’m so sorry for your loss. You said you feel guilty. Please go easy on yourself. We are all here to learn and grow. No one is perfect. We all get to go through this life and we do the best that we can in any given moment. No one is immune. Sure. You might get a call from his spouse. But given the depth of your insight, wisdom and compassion, I’m sure you will be able to help this woman in some way, if it happens. Perhaps “the truth” is the best thing you can give her. Your call though, of course.
      I’m sure he is still around, worried about people getting hurt, and trying to help from beyond. It sounds like this is the kind of person he was. 🙂 Best wishes. Hugs

  10. Thank you for your testimony Elisa I am going through the same thing right now only the man I loved died a month ago and I only recently found out 2 days ago. I missed his funeral and I tried reaching out to friend that was really close to him to help grieve but I couldn’t bring myself to tell her what was to him. None of his family or friends knew me or the role I played in his life and I just feel so alone in my grief. I loved him so much.
    My own family is trying to be supportive but are also upset about choices I made while he was a live. I had leased furniture for him and put myself in a bind doing it. Over 10 years of knowing him I gave him money almost all the time. We were not friends on social media because I blocked him many years back trying leave him alone. I unblocked him last year in June 2016 and found out he was in a serious relationship for 2 years and had been a 3 before that one. He then told me to stay off his social media I then checked again and found out he proposed to the woman a few weeks later.
    Although I needed to leave him alone I continued to see him because I had known him for so long and I realized I loved him even if he didn’t love me. At first I didn’t tell him about knowing he was engaged. I only saw him once a week but I it was enough I would tell him he needed to focus on his fiance because I was getting in the way of that.
    In October to December of 2016 he began to tell me that he and his fiancé were having issues but that he still lived he and would always love her. He would tell me these things and then I would check social media through another account and see they looked happy. He told me not to do that and that he was embarrassed that that he made that grand gesture just for it not to work out. I still was his ear to listen and told him to try and work it out because he loved her.
    They ended up separating in early 2017 and I know the cheating was an issue because he would change numbers almost every month at that time and then put of the blue text me if she contacted me to not answer or talk. I was obedient and did as he asked. He then got his own place closer to his family and asked me to help him lease some furniture for it. At first I was apprehensive because I was trying to make the conscious effort not t give him money. He paid an Uber to have me go up to a furniture store near one of his old apartments and assure me I would use my credit to get it but he would pay on it. That obviously didn’t happen but after that we talked everyday dealing with the furniture situation and trying to be a emotional support system. Throughout the summer I refused to look at social media and he assured me wasn’t on social media anymore. I had had told him I really don’t know if I’m buying this furniture for you and your fiancé or someone else. He said he hasn’t talk to her in 2 months at that time and that he was only hooking up with me right now because he didn’t want to be in a relationship. I told who knows in 3 minths youll pribably be in another realtionship and i still just be his side chick.
    For the last 3 months I saw twice a week every week which we were intimate every time and talked everyday on the phone which was the nature of our relationship over the years I knew. But definitely noticed saw and heard far more than usual this past summer.
    I still had my insecurities I thought he’s probably hooking up with other women and that I was just his bad habit or fetish for him but I shared so much of my pain with him for the first time in the last 2 years even though I wouldn’t say it I felt like he was truly my friend. I saw and was intimate with him the evening before he died. He gunned down 2 minutes form his home at 1am in the morning. I didn’t know why I wasn’t hearing from him and I wanted to respect his space . I text him stuff that was going on with me I didn’t hear back from him. I called the phone it rang 3 times and then was hung up. I called other days it would go straight to voicemail. I thought maybe he’s back together with his ex. And was trying to just focus on her. I text saying “clearly you have blocked my number I just want to know if you’re okay. Something told me to look on social media and the internet again and googled his name then I saw he had been killed basically the last night I saw him.
    I feel so much guilt in so many ways. The main thought that runs through my mind is that of I would have left him alone last year and been a stronger person, not just giving into him, he’d still be here. He’d still be working things out with her maybe they’d be married by now and he wouldn’t have been there. I almost feel his family feels the same way. They don’t know me or my face but they know the choices he made and if he remained living with his fiance he’d still be alive. When I saw his obituary and that his fiancé spoke I was still hurt but thankful I wasn’t there because that would be so inappropriate. I’m heartbroken and reaching out to ppl who didn’t know him finally to tell pur story but I don’t feel comfortable trying to reach out to those who did know him personally because he didn’t want them to know me. I still feel have to respect that. That one person o tried to left a picture on her page of him texting her about the “crazy ass women in his life” which would include me so I thought she knew about me but she didn’t. I was grateful to get more information on his death but I felt so awkward and out of place reaching out. This place of isolated grieving is so hard and foresaw this coming and even told others that if something happened I wouldn’t know until a while after. I have so many regrets and I wish things were different.

    • So sorry for your loss. I know it’s all so fresh and raw, the wound, and hurts like hell. And the guilt… Coulda, shoulda, woulda, but didn’t. This is not your fault, but griever’s always like to go there. Hugs to you. Thanks for reaching out. Keep doing so if you need to. You are not alone. 😊

    • Dear Giovanna,

      I am Elisa. So, so sorry for your loss. I know how deep your grief feels right now. I was there and I cried, screamed, gotten sick, after Eric passed away because I grieved alone and I had so many “what ifs”, so much guilt, so many regrets. Yes, it hurts badly now and will continue to hurt … but go through the process, don’t fight it – cry, feel the hurt. I went through it, and although I still miss Eric – I am stronger and in a place I could not imagine being – a place of peace. Big, warm hugs to you. X

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