In an auditory after-death communication, Christian shows up for his 2-year anniversary.
It was March 31st all day yesterday. Christian’s death and birthday, 2 years ago. Shortly after 11 am, I looked at the place on the floor where Christian had struggled for his life, exactly 2 years earlier, while he assured a hysterical me, that he would be alright. By noon, he had left this world. The doctor said it was an arterial vascular mass that caused his brain to suddenly hemorrhage.
The day ticked by, and being an important date to those of us left on Earth, I was excited about the possibility that he would make an appearance. Surely, he would know how much that would mean to us, on this bittersweet occasion.
Afternoon came. Still nothing. No flickering lights, no scent of his cologne, no nothing.
Then, by dinner time, I was starting to get concerned that he really wasn’t going to show up at all. After dinner, I put a movie on that we had once watched together. I guess Pan’s Labyrinth wasn’t the best movie to invoke his spirit, but strangely, it reminded me of a happier time when he was still with us.
I don’t think the movie had gotten to the “creepy underground monster” part yet, when, for some reason, something told me to stop the movie. Lying on the couch in the silence, I cried a few tears, and then, a lot of them. After his death, I realized the value of expressing my emotions. It was a way to honor both him, and myself… so, I have not resisted them.
In a memorial for him, I thought about life with Christian here. I thought about how life would have been, had he not gone. I thought about how life has changed since his death. I wondered how much his death has changed me.
I remember looking at the clock around 10 pm, and still nothing. Disheartened, I closed my eyes and asked, “Where are you, Christian?”
Next, as clear as can be, an external voice answered my question. “He is with you in your day to day life!” “Huh?” I thought, “That’s strange. What does that mean? And who is talking to me? An angel? A guide? God?” Then, moments later, Christian reiterates, “I know you don’t know how it is possible, but I am with you in your day to day life!”
Instantly, I made the connection. He was referring to the blog entry I wrote entitled “Be Here Now”, where I was slightly dissing on my boredom of my “same old, same old”, day to day routine of life.
I realized that I was expecting him to show up on this special occasion, and all other special occasions, simply because they were special occasions. What he was telling me is that he is here with me and his other loved ones always, even in the ordinary routine of our day to day life. It became really clear in that moment. He really is always here. If not, how did he know about the post I made one day earlier on an ordinary day? Why would he have answered me with my own words?
Since his death, Christian has told me so many times, and in so many ways, that he is always here, and yet, although my finite brain can’t completely comprehend it, a deeper part of me knows it’s true… my heart… my soul. I believe this is true for all of us.
I am reminded of a book I once read, titled “We Are Their Heaven.” Because of their love for us, perhaps it is true that it is us that they focus on.