Stress and the Grief Process

Understanding how stress plays a sizable part in the Grief Process and ways to decrease it to make grieving easier.

At one time or another, we’ve all experienced periods of intense stress in our lives. Some of these stressors might include: food, housing and job insecurity, political unrest, family issues, enduring abusive relationships, trouble with or losing a relationship, being in poor health or losing a loved one through death.

Unlike short bouts of stress involving just one or two stressors, trying to survive a world pandemic is a huge sustained stressor that includes many of these factors at the same time. Think of the ramifications of all this. There is nothing greater than trying to survive so much of this at once. Although it doesn’t make it any easier, the insane amount of stress you may be feeling is being felt by many, worldwide.

Who knows when it will end? How many more will this pandemic claim to itself? When will the consequences of it play out? Will we find our way through this in one piece? So many questions up in the air with so few answers. So much doubt and fear. So many feelings of helplessness. So many subtle, and even outright threats of violence, too. You can feel the deep rumble of fear and uncertainty. With emotions high, it can feel like we are living in a powder keg on the verge of a spark. We are really living through something quite extraordinary… and something so very serious.

Our lives have been changed forevermore. With all this rapid change coming at us, with so much loss, many of us will need to work our way through some version of a grief process – just to get to the other side of this darkness. We may already feel the tremendous weight of this now, if not later. The intense stress we may experience, added to our loss, has the capacity to make things even worse. You see, grief and stress have a lot in common.

Just a reminder that the grief process has several identifiable steps, depending on which version you read. To make it easy, I will go with the most tried and true steps. They don’t always go in order and some of them are more prominent than others.

  • shock, denial and disbelief
  • bargaining, feelings of helplessness
  • sadness and/or anxiousness
  • anger and/or rage
  • coming to terms with what’s so
  • acceptance

If you find yourself in the Grief Process, you might be experiencing one or more of these steps. That’s perfectly normal. How long it takes to heal, depends on how long it takes to get through the steps of the process, without trying to resist going through them. There is no set time frame. Every person is different. But, almost every one of these steps in the grief process, except the last two, happens to come along with a great amount of stress. Hence, it is possible to add even more stress on top of the already existing stress that naturally comes with grieving a loss, or several of them at the same time. Not surprisingly, feeling these human emotions can be extremely stressful. It’s no wonder at all why people try to deny feeling them in the first place. But… the only way out is through. So, a word to the wise… go through with as little resistance as possible.

Just remember a few simple things that everyone already knows, but forgets to use, especially when stressed.

  • Be kind to yourself and others. In times of crisis, it is common to see people either being their weakest self or their greatest self. The power comes with choosing which one you will be in any moment. Here’s a hint. Being your greatest self is more empowering and really makes a big difference in the world around you.
  • Remember to breathe. You hear it all the time as some sort of cliche, but breathing really does regulate stress levels and is such an easy thing to do. Do it by breathing deeply and it will relax your brain and body. It will give some temporary relief… at least until the next time you breathe deeply.
  • Look for ways to empower yourself. When it seems that things are going the wrong way, the human default is likely to feel victimized. However, no matter how bad it may be, feelings of helplessness and hopelessness are of no help. Instead of being on the defensive because something is happening to you, realize that it is happening to many of us. Be on the offensive and take control, wherever you can find ways to be helpful and move hope forward. It may be small, but you will not stay frozen and numb as you will be in motion.
  • Move your body. Take a walk, run or bike ride. Exercising your body is a great stress and anxiety reliever. Walk in place if you can’t go outside.
  • Feed your spirit. Meditate, pray or listen to/watch whatever will relax your brain and body. Make it something that will nurture, recharge and feed your spirit.
  • Practice gratitude. Appreciating what you do have is so much more powerful than focusing on what is missing. Experiencing the “glass half full” rather than the “glass half empty” is always more empowering.
  • Surrender to the process. The grief process is an amazing healing process that, if not resisted, has the ability to completely cleanse and mend. It is our brain’s natural process to follow so our brains can heal from the trauma and turmoil that has been inflicted. Not surrendering to what is in our best interest, which is our healing, creates even more stress than the stress that already exists. Surrendering to “what is” – IS NOT weak, it is smart, as we will get through our pain, way quicker, and… will heal much deeper.

In this world, there is no way to get around stressful situations, or the grief that contributes to them, as this is just a part of our human experience. As you go through your grief process, remember that – although painful, each of the steps can be very therapeutic, as going through many of these steps is so necessary for us to heal and be refreshed.

And remember, many people fall into a “stress trap.” If you didn’t get it the first time, a “stress trap” is when you keep adding stress on top of already existing stress. The simple exercises above can help greatly. You just have to do them.

There will be plenty of grief in the times ahead of us. We will not soon forget the pain and stress this pandemic has caused, but let’s do whatever we can to hold on, and however we can, get each other through this truly extraordinary challenging time. Hopefully, before to long, we will find ourselves out of this darkness and into the light of a new day.

Rising Above It All- The Power of Perspective

Rising Above it All- A powerful but simple tool of perception designed to give one clarity, direction, freedom and peace of mind. 

Have you ever been stuck in a hazy fog of non-clarity that is so thick that you can’t see the best way to proceed? Have you ever struggled for understanding and wisdom? Continue reading

Clarity of the Infinite Soul

A heavenly visitor appears in the middle of the night to ask me some vital questions about what I believe and who I really am.

It was seven years ago today that Christian suddenly and unexpectedly passed, right before my eyes. Helpless to do anything about what was destined to be, I watched the horrifying scene with wet and disbelieving eyes, while I did my best to make him comfortable in his last moments of life.

Naturally, to anyone experiencing such a loss, every day and every night has the potential to become a living nightmare, as death, especially sudden and unexpected, can be quite traumatizing. Continue reading

Knock It Off!

Cassie’s Grandfather shows up in many small ways to say he is with her and supports her from beyond, but says, “Knock it off with the family fighting!”

Cassie's Grandfather

Cassie’s Grandfather

Cassie writes:
“I recently lost my Grandfather in October of 2016. But, the last time I spoke to my Grandfather was June 19th, 2016, which was the day after my wedding. He stood up for my father, who abused all of his children. I tried to reach out to him during the summer and he refused to talk to me.” Continue reading

Don’t Wait to Appreciate

Back in the late 1980’s, I often took a road trip from Utah to visit California; my old stomping grounds. Traveling through the barren desert of Nevada, just outside of the mountain range exiting the Utah/Arizona Border, there was an extraordinary place someone once told me about with such excitement, that I had to stop and see it for myself. So, on one such trip, I finally did it. I exited the freeway at Homestead Road and found my way across the other side of the freeway to an area where this supposed “really cool place” existed like a paradisiacal mirage in the desert.

I parked my car on a dirt parking lot and walked toward the cliff that led down to the river that ran under the freeway overpass, to see what I could see. I saw it! Right before my eyes, it was as if this part of desert landscape, in this small desolate town, out of nowhere, turned into some sort of Garden of Eden! Continue reading

Is Suicide the Answer?

Since Raj’s tragic passing, Archana has been devastated enough to consider suicide. But this time, Raj asks her to promise to serve out her purpose without him.

Archana writes:
“Yesterday when I got up, I stood in front of God’s photo and said, “It’s enough, and I’m tired. Please take me back to you!”

“Even while talking to a friend at another time, I said, “I have no intention of living. Every day, I wake up hoping it should be the last day. But somehow, death is not ready for me yet.”

Godavari River

Godavari River. Across the river where Raj drown.

“Well, last night, I had a dream where I was at the river bank where Raj tragically drowned. In my dream, I was talking to a friend about how the tragedy happened. Then, to my surprise, Raj came walking up in the sand and sat down next to me. I smiled at him and asked, “When is my turn? I want to be with you.” He took my hand in his and said, “Promise me that you’ll not commit suicide.”

“I don’t remember what happened after that, but it felt good to know that Raj was listening to my words. Still… it’s really tough to take so much pain in one life.” Continue reading

Taking Control of the Holidays

I know experiencing the holiday season without our loved ones can bring up a lot of emotional stuff. That’s bound to happen. But just a few quick ideas about how to navigate the holiday season to make sure that YOU are powerfully in charge.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving

Customarily, Thanksgiving is a time to be thankful and to show our gratitude. I recommend taking some quiet time during the day to write a letter to your loved one. In it, you could express your gratitude for them and what they contributed to your life. You might even place a token or offering (something meaningful) for them with your letter as you put it in a special place; a self-made altar, a drawer or decorative box that holds the things of theirs that you treasure. Oh sure, you may have a good cry, but let it all out. Crying is the body’s natural way to release pain and the process of letting the tears out creates brain chemicals that will help us to feel better each and every time we cry. Crying won’t hurt you, it will heal you. So don’t be afraid of those tears, or even those emotions that are causing those tears. Feel what there is to feel. It’s okay. Continue reading

Grieving Pets

When Charlie’s master, John, passes from this Earth, this loyal and beautiful doe-eyed kitty-cat sits at the window each day, awaiting his return home.

Deena, John’s long time girlfriend, recalls her sweetheart, John, and his loyal female cat named Charlie:

John

John

“John always had a love for animals. When his father died, John left grammar school to become a farmer, which he did for the next 20 years of his life. During his farming career, he had several run ins with the local policeman who kept telling him not to keep the tractor running as he kept jumping on and off of it, because it was against the law to do so. One day, this policeman told John that he would make a good policeman. Soon after, John quit the farm and joined the police Academy where he was a very good police officer for 31 years! John was one in a million.” Continue reading

At the Brink…

Just when Lara was at the brink of her capacity, she experienced this amazing near-death experience!

Lara writes:
“I was severely depressed at the time before my NDE. I had gotten into a car accident a year ago and suffered short term memory loss. My neck and back were also in a lot of pain and my left eye would twitch at times.”

“Family life was unbearable, dealing with school, mom’s chronic illness, dad’s neglect and gambling addiction, and brother’s focus on himself. My sanity and patience started to dwindle.”

“Weeks before my NDE, I wasn’t able to study for a college exam and was under extreme stress. My moods were up and down. The only way I knew how to cope with all the stresses in my life was through an eating disorder. I began to eat less and less and lost a lot of weight. My stomach was always in pain and I had no energy to do anything. I was very fatigued and hanging on by a thread.” Continue reading

What’s New for Spring 2016? (Announcement)

We all know that Spring is a time for many new beginnings, so I’m taking this opportunity to announce that, by popular request, I will be launching some brand new services soon. Aside from the many posts written throughout the years; designed to assist, comfort and support those who grieve, the tools provided on the site, and the commentaries to the many after-death communication, as well as other stories, I will now be offering:

Online Classes such as, the “Being Your Own Medium” series, “Navigating the Emotional Waters of Grief” series, “The Phoenix: Finding Your Life’s Purpose in the Ashes” series, “Finding Strength Beneath the Surface”, “Healing Your Past”, “Have I Lived Before? Past Life Regression” series, as well as… many more online classes to come. To keep updated on the classes being offered, please refer to “Classes” on the homepage navigation bar for further information. Continue reading

Spirit Sensitivity: Gift or Curse?

In this after-death communication, Celynda is warmly greeted at the cemetery by her Grandmother, only after to be coldly greeted by something else. This post explores how to handle unwanted entities.

Celyndas-grandma

Celynda’s Grandma

Celynda writes:
“I had an experience while visiting my Grandmother’s grave at the cemetery. First, I stopped to see my Grandfather who passed October 1, 2006. Afterward, I visited my Grandmother who passed more recently, September 19, 2012. As I was standing over my Grandmother’s grave, I felt a strong presence holding me. It was the most beautiful, warm and amazing feeling I have ever felt in my life! It felt like she was trying to tell me something or that she knew just how much I needed her…  as lately I’ve been under a lot of stress. She always made me feel so important and would brag to all her friends about how successful I am and how I’m going to be a Doctor.” Continue reading

50 Shades of Grief (Process)- Explained

“50 Shade of Grief (Process) Explained”, is a detailed explanation of the gradual evolution of the many emotional and mental states we have the possibility of passing through, as we travel on the road to grief recovery. Keep in mind, no two grievers are the same; some will visit all of these stops, while other grievers will experience just some of them.

Grieving is a very personal journey. It is also wise to mention, that although there is an order of emotional and mental states to experience, grief can happen in any order. What is common though, is that the first part of this chart is experienced before the last part of the chart. 

In the end… this chart represents a successfully completed, grief recovery journey; starting from entering into the long tunnel of darkness… and exiting out the other end; into the light. Continue reading

50 Shades of Grief (Process)

“50 Shade of Grief (Process)” shows the gradual evolution of the many emotional and mental states we have the possibility of passing through, as we travel on the road to grief recovery. Keep in mind, no two grievers are the same; some will visit all of these stops, while other grievers will experience just some.

Grieving is a very personal journey. It is also wise to mention, that although there is an order of emotional and mental states to experience, grief can happen in any order. What is common though, is that the first part of this chart is experienced before the last part of the chart. 

In the end… this chart represents a successfully completed, grief recovery journey; starting from entering into the long tunnel of darkness… and exiting out the other end;  into the light.

Blessings on your sacred journey. May you find peace and complete healing at the end of your tunnel.

(Dedicated to the memory of Christian who crossed over on, March 31, 2010, just six years ago today. We love and miss you dearly.)

Companion to- 50 Shade of Grief (Process) Explained    (Click image to enlarge)

A meme which documents the grief process from Shock to Rebirth

A meme which documents the grief process from Shock to Rebirth

Grief: Holidays Without Them

Oh no. Here it comes! A holiday without them. How do I deal with that? 

Holidays are supposed to be joyful; a time to gather together with loved ones to share thanks and exchange gifts of love. But what happens when the upcoming holiday only serves to remind us that someone we love is sadly missing? It’s difficult to cope. If it’s the first year we might wonder, “How different is this year going to be. How much pain am I going to feel?”

Although it might seem strange, including your loved one in your holidays can be a great way to deal head-on with the fact that things have changed. Perhaps a new tradition or ritual can be introduced, making the upcoming holiday special. For example, you might create a special program that includes all of your loved ones, including the one who is not physically present. It is a great way to deal and heal the pain of the change of losing them. This can also include a family pet. Continue reading