Stress and the Grief Process

Understanding how stress plays a sizable part in the Grief Process and ways to decrease it to make grieving easier.

At one time or another, we’ve all experienced periods of intense stress in our lives. Some of these stressors might include: food, housing and job insecurity, political unrest, family issues, enduring abusive relationships, trouble with or losing a relationship, being in poor health or losing a loved one through death.

Unlike short bouts of stress involving just one or two stressors, trying to survive a world pandemic is a huge sustained stressor that includes many of these factors at the same time. Think of the ramifications of all this. There is nothing greater than trying to survive so much of this at once. Although it doesn’t make it any easier, the insane amount of stress you may be feeling is being felt by many, worldwide.

Who knows when it will end? How many more will this pandemic claim to itself? When will the consequences of it play out? Will we find our way through this in one piece? So many questions up in the air with so few answers. So much doubt and fear. So many feelings of helplessness. So many subtle, and even outright threats of violence, too. You can feel the deep rumble of fear and uncertainty. With emotions high, it can feel like we are living in a powder keg on the verge of a spark. We are really living through something quite extraordinary… and something so very serious.

Our lives have been changed forevermore. With all this rapid change coming at us, with so much loss, many of us will need to work our way through some version of a grief process – just to get to the other side of this darkness. We may already feel the tremendous weight of this now, if not later. The intense stress we may experience, added to our loss, has the capacity to make things even worse. You see, grief and stress have a lot in common.

Just a reminder that the grief process has several identifiable steps, depending on which version you read. To make it easy, I will go with the most tried and true steps. They don’t always go in order and some of them are more prominent than others.

  • shock, denial and disbelief
  • bargaining, feelings of helplessness
  • sadness and/or anxiousness
  • anger and/or rage
  • coming to terms with what’s so
  • acceptance

If you find yourself in the Grief Process, you might be experiencing one or more of these steps. That’s perfectly normal. How long it takes to heal, depends on how long it takes to get through the steps of the process, without trying to resist going through them. There is no set time frame. Every person is different. But, almost every one of these steps in the grief process, except the last two, happens to come along with a great amount of stress. Hence, it is possible to add even more stress on top of the already existing stress that naturally comes with grieving a loss, or several of them at the same time. Not surprisingly, feeling these human emotions can be extremely stressful. It’s no wonder at all why people try to deny feeling them in the first place. But… the only way out is through. So, a word to the wise… go through with as little resistance as possible.

Just remember a few simple things that everyone already knows, but forgets to use, especially when stressed.

  • Be kind to yourself and others. In times of crisis, it is common to see people either being their weakest self or their greatest self. The power comes with choosing which one you will be in any moment. Here’s a hint. Being your greatest self is more empowering and really makes a big difference in the world around you.
  • Remember to breathe. You hear it all the time as some sort of cliche, but breathing really does regulate stress levels and is such an easy thing to do. Do it by breathing deeply and it will relax your brain and body. It will give some temporary relief… at least until the next time you breathe deeply.
  • Look for ways to empower yourself. When it seems that things are going the wrong way, the human default is likely to feel victimized. However, no matter how bad it may be, feelings of helplessness and hopelessness are of no help. Instead of being on the defensive because something is happening to you, realize that it is happening to many of us. Be on the offensive and take control, wherever you can find ways to be helpful and move hope forward. It may be small, but you will not stay frozen and numb as you will be in motion.
  • Move your body. Take a walk, run or bike ride. Exercising your body is a great stress and anxiety reliever. Walk in place if you can’t go outside.
  • Feed your spirit. Meditate, pray or listen to/watch whatever will relax your brain and body. Make it something that will nurture, recharge and feed your spirit.
  • Practice gratitude. Appreciating what you do have is so much more powerful than focusing on what is missing. Experiencing the “glass half full” rather than the “glass half empty” is always more empowering.
  • Surrender to the process. The grief process is an amazing healing process that, if not resisted, has the ability to completely cleanse and mend. It is our brain’s natural process to follow so our brains can heal from the trauma and turmoil that has been inflicted. Not surrendering to what is in our best interest, which is our healing, creates even more stress than the stress that already exists. Surrendering to “what is” – IS NOT weak, it is smart, as we will get through our pain, way quicker, and… will heal much deeper.

In this world, there is no way to get around stressful situations, or the grief that contributes to them, as this is just a part of our human experience. As you go through your grief process, remember that – although painful, each of the steps can be very therapeutic, as going through many of these steps is so necessary for us to heal and be refreshed.

And remember, many people fall into a “stress trap.” If you didn’t get it the first time, a “stress trap” is when you keep adding stress on top of already existing stress. The simple exercises above can help greatly. You just have to do them.

There will be plenty of grief in the times ahead of us. We will not soon forget the pain and stress this pandemic has caused, but let’s do whatever we can to hold on, and however we can, get each other through this truly extraordinary challenging time. Hopefully, before to long, we will find ourselves out of this darkness and into the light of a new day.

Survivor’s Guilt (Part Three)

In part one, Survivor’s Guilt was defined, common symptoms were discussed as well as a few examples. In Survivor’s Guilt part two, we took a closer look into the mechanics and dynamics of Survivor’s Guilt and what causes humans to become so deeply psychologically affected, along with new ways to think about it. Continue reading

A Promise to Heal

While deep in grief over the loss of her beloved partner, Marcus, Karen receives a sign of hope in the form of a dream that shows her a brighter future. 

Karen writes:
“Many times, I just want to go to the spirit world because I miss my loved one so much. Of course, since I have two sons, I feel very guilty about even thinking this. I don’t have any suicidal tendencies or plans, but I will talk to God and say, “I am ready anytime” or… I simply relish in the fact that every day is a day closer to getting to go to heaven. I love my family and my life, but as you know, it is just that painful of a loss to lose a soulmate.” Continue reading

Spirit Hugs

Have you ever felt an actual spirit hug before? Ann sure did in this beautiful after-death communication from Rebecca, Ann’s beloved sister, from beyond.

Ann writes:
“My sister, Rebecca, died a horrific, heart-wrenching death at age 49. I’m an ICU nurse and understand death very well. However, it was how she died that was just killing me. I think part of my desire to continue to hear from Rebecca is that her death was the result of an unsuccessful suicide attempt in which her mouth and teeth were blown off. The failed attempt left Rebecca and her family to live with the aftermath of her choice for the next 6 months until Rebecca’s eventual passing.”

“What happened was so terrible and left Rebecca quite disfigured. After seeing her photo, I’m sure you will get it. She was beautiful. I still cannot think about Rebecca without thinking about how horrid and unsettling her death was.” Continue reading

Knock It Off!

Cassie’s Grandfather shows up in many small ways to say he is with her and supports her from beyond, but says, “Knock it off with the family fighting!”

Cassie's Grandfather

Cassie’s Grandfather

Cassie writes:
“I recently lost my Grandfather in October of 2016. But, the last time I spoke to my Grandfather was June 19th, 2016, which was the day after my wedding. He stood up for my father, who abused all of his children. I tried to reach out to him during the summer and he refused to talk to me.” Continue reading

Don’t Wait to Appreciate

Back in the late 1980’s, I often took a road trip from Utah to visit California; my old stomping grounds. Traveling through the barren desert of Nevada, just outside of the mountain range exiting the Utah/Arizona Border, there was an extraordinary place someone once told me about with such excitement, that I had to stop and see it for myself. So, on one such trip, I finally did it. I exited the freeway at Homestead Road and found my way across the other side of the freeway to an area where this supposed “really cool place” existed like a paradisiacal mirage in the desert.

I parked my car on a dirt parking lot and walked toward the cliff that led down to the river that ran under the freeway overpass, to see what I could see. I saw it! Right before my eyes, it was as if this part of desert landscape, in this small desolate town, out of nowhere, turned into some sort of Garden of Eden! Continue reading

Is Suicide the Answer?

Since Raj’s tragic passing, Archana has been devastated enough to consider suicide. But this time, Raj asks her to promise to serve out her purpose without him.

Archana writes:
“Yesterday when I got up, I stood in front of God’s photo and said, “It’s enough, and I’m tired. Please take me back to you!”

“Even while talking to a friend at another time, I said, “I have no intention of living. Every day, I wake up hoping it should be the last day. But somehow, death is not ready for me yet.”

Godavari River

Godavari River. Across the river where Raj drown.

“Well, last night, I had a dream where I was at the river bank where Raj tragically drowned. In my dream, I was talking to a friend about how the tragedy happened. Then, to my surprise, Raj came walking up in the sand and sat down next to me. I smiled at him and asked, “When is my turn? I want to be with you.” He took my hand in his and said, “Promise me that you’ll not commit suicide.”

“I don’t remember what happened after that, but it felt good to know that Raj was listening to my words. Still… it’s really tough to take so much pain in one life.” Continue reading

Grieving in Secret

After Elisa’s secret lover, Eric, suddenly and unexpectedly passes away, she faces the pain, guilt and grief of her loss, alone. 

When Elisa contacted me for help after “her friend”, Eric, unexpectedly passed, like so many other people, in my years of advising people, she didn’t quite give me the full story. What I mean is… she gave me the “safe” story first, while she tested the waters. It wasn’t until she could gauge my response and if she could trust me in not judging her, that she felt safe enough to share the whole story of what happened and why she was so deeply grieved in more ways than usual.

You see, like anyone who fears being judged by others, and the added pain it can bring to an already difficult situation, Elisa was hesitant to tell me that Eric was not just her friend. But after a few emails back and forth, she finally told me that he was her boss, and married boyfriend, too, and that, for many years, she and Eric were involved in a secret relationship.

In her own words, and with Elisa’s permission, I share parts of her emails.
“I am a divorcee, and was pretty happy with my life before him, but he won me over with his charm, his wit, his words and his intelligence. As a busy CEO of many offices, I did not see him everyday, only once a week when he came to his office at my workplace. But, we spoke on the phone every work day! Not long, maybe half and hour, sometimes more. The best thing, which I miss so much are those calls. We sure talked A LOT!” Continue reading

Stuck in His Own Private Hell

When Laura happens onto an after-death communication gathering, through a psychic medium, Laura’s father attempts to claim his mistakes and begs her forgiveness.

Laura writes:
“My dad took his life 8 years ago. When he was living, we did not have much of a relationship. He was a mean alcoholic and a son of a bitch. He was an OBGYN as well. I survived a lot of trauma from him through my years; physical and mental abuse.”

“As I grew up and moved away, I really didn’t have much to do with him. I always, though, had a feeling I was molested somehow or that he “did” something to me. But, because I had no memory of it, I could not be sure.”

“At age 48, I went to a ADC gathering with a very powerful medium, named Celena. At this gathering, as she got to me, she gave me a lot of great guidance from my angels/guides. But then she said that my dad needed to say something. I told her “no.” And then my grandmother came through (my dad’s mom), and I asked her to tell me. She said, “It is not to be said in this room of people.” Yikes! I thought!” Continue reading

Spirit Sensitivity: Gift or Curse?

In this after-death communication, Celynda is warmly greeted at the cemetery by her Grandmother, only after to be coldly greeted by something else. This post explores how to handle unwanted entities.

Celyndas-grandma

Celynda’s Grandma

Celynda writes:
“I had an experience while visiting my Grandmother’s grave at the cemetery. First, I stopped to see my Grandfather who passed October 1, 2006. Afterward, I visited my Grandmother who passed more recently, September 19, 2012. As I was standing over my Grandmother’s grave, I felt a strong presence holding me. It was the most beautiful, warm and amazing feeling I have ever felt in my life! It felt like she was trying to tell me something or that she knew just how much I needed her…  as lately I’ve been under a lot of stress. She always made me feel so important and would brag to all her friends about how successful I am and how I’m going to be a Doctor.” Continue reading

50 Shades of Grief (Process)- Explained

“50 Shade of Grief (Process) Explained”, is a detailed explanation of the gradual evolution of the many emotional and mental states we have the possibility of passing through, as we travel on the road to grief recovery. Keep in mind, no two grievers are the same; some will visit all of these stops, while other grievers will experience just some of them.

Grieving is a very personal journey. It is also wise to mention, that although there is an order of emotional and mental states to experience, grief can happen in any order. What is common though, is that the first part of this chart is experienced before the last part of the chart. 

In the end… this chart represents a successfully completed, grief recovery journey; starting from entering into the long tunnel of darkness… and exiting out the other end; into the light. Continue reading

50 Shades of Grief (Process)

“50 Shade of Grief (Process)” shows the gradual evolution of the many emotional and mental states we have the possibility of passing through, as we travel on the road to grief recovery. Keep in mind, no two grievers are the same; some will visit all of these stops, while other grievers will experience just some.

Grieving is a very personal journey. It is also wise to mention, that although there is an order of emotional and mental states to experience, grief can happen in any order. What is common though, is that the first part of this chart is experienced before the last part of the chart. 

In the end… this chart represents a successfully completed, grief recovery journey; starting from entering into the long tunnel of darkness… and exiting out the other end;  into the light.

Blessings on your sacred journey. May you find peace and complete healing at the end of your tunnel.

(Dedicated to the memory of Christian who crossed over on, March 31, 2010, just six years ago today. We love and miss you dearly.)

Companion to- 50 Shade of Grief (Process) Explained    (Click image to enlarge)

A meme which documents the grief process from Shock to Rebirth

A meme which documents the grief process from Shock to Rebirth

Eternal Valentines

In this after-death communication, Deena receives comfort in many different forms, allowing her to know that her eternal Valentine, John, is still taking care of her… and the cats too!

John, Deena's boyfriend

John

 Deena writes:
“I have lost John, my boyfriend, of over 14 years to cancer. He passed away on December 2 , 2015, shortly after he was diagnosed. I am madly, deeply in love with him even though we didn’t have the smoothest of relationships. People referred to us as Taylor & Burton (Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton) as we were always falling out, but we had a passion that everyone saw. We were never apart in all those years.” Continue reading

Messages From the Moth

In a series of after-death communications, Lucas visits his grieving mother in a variety of different ways – letting her know that her son is still around, being his usual self.

Lillie writes:

lucas

Lucas

“I was reading an after-death communication article on your website; specifically physical phenomena. My son, Lucas, died in his bedroom on August 1st, 2015. He was 26 years old. Unfortunately, he died of a drug overdose – he supposedly bought heroin but it was fentanyl and procaine mixed together instead.”

“I was totally shocked when I read it on his cell phone in a text message, because he didn’t do heroin. His friends were shocked too. I guess he was really struggling. His girlfriend broke up with him in June. He became very depressed over that and started acting very strange in July. The doctor had put him on an anti-depressant called Paxil. I thought that was what was making him so strange. I don’t know if the Paxil gave him suicidal thoughts – he was only on it for a month.” Continue reading

“Life’s Going to be Alright!”

Rebecca receives an after-death communication from her son, Kenny, after a long time of waiting for one. His message to her? “Life’s going to be alright!”

KennyRebecca writes:
“It’s been a long while since I’ve dreamt of Ken, other than him being a part of my dream in the background and such. No dreams as of late where I’ve spoken directly to him. The other night, I actually was staring at a candle and asked him to please come in my dreams.”

“Voila! I dreamt that my family was on a plane- the entire family, including Kenny’s dad, his wife and their daughter. ​We had made it to Nepal and we were traveling to a resort destination. Suddenly, the military police were on the plane and found pot on the pilot so they demanded us to land. We landed in a jungle area and there were a lot of men carrying guns and yelling at us to get on a bus – that the plane would be leaving and we had to travel by bus. They were shouting in English and a different language also. I remember feeling as if I was going to do the wrong thing and being very protective of Nate and Kayla. I didn’t want us to get shot.  As we all sat in our seats on the bus, I watched the plane take off and followed it until it was high up in the sky. All of a sudden, I saw the plane pause and start spiraling down and crash into a shopping mall. The gunmen started to laugh at us ‘americans’ and told us that we were lucky to have gotten off the plane before the ‘terrorist attack.” Continue reading